I feel really tired. This month is hard. I am tired of not knowing what to do, of feeling tired, I’m tired of my expectations not being met, of feeling like I’m not growing, and I’m tired of feeling like God isn’t giving me what I need to grow.
That was me 3 really longs weeks ago. I was in a rough place and I wasn’t even sure why I was on the race. I mean I just felt like the same thing was happening every single month. I didn’t get it. I came on the race to abandon everything, to be uncomfortable. Instead, I kept being put into lush and cozy big cities where everything was at my finger tips. We had comfortable beds, wifi for days, great food, hot showers, and to top it off we had a pool. I hated it. He kept giving me comfort and I didn’t understand why. I told Him “I don’t need, I don’t want comfortable this isn’t helping me grow.” Through that frustration, confusion and fighting everything that was put in my path God showed me something.
He revealed to me how self centered I’ve become. I have lost track of Him. I was so focused on what I didn’t have, I missed out on everything God wanted to show me.
Through discussing the idea of predestination He showed me I give myself way too much credit. It is like I think I have an ability to change what God has planned.
I put way too much on me and in a way that almost discredits, disrespects the authority that God has.
I thought I knew what I needed to grow…
Then, God put me in my place and said, “don’t you think I know what you need?”
I had been humbled, hard. God allowed me to enter into a place where I could see how broken I really am. That I need Him. That God is in total control and that He does not need me. Let me repeat that, He does NOT need me…
But what should be even louder heard is HE WANTS TO USE ME.
And that is powerful. It allowed me to let go of all this pressure I put on myself to perform. God humbled me to see all I am is a vessel and that I need to stop fighting what God is doing, and instead allow him to use me, to move to the beat of His drum. And that He has a purpose for each place that I’m in.
Now let’s stop there. It’s so much easier said then done. Because when you do all that then you are really trusting God.
That my friends is where God blew my mind. He quickly played back my choice to do the race, my choice to switch squads, my choice to team lead, and now this, to trust him with everything. It hit me I suck with trust and he is asking for more of me and he will continue to ask until he has all of me.
And through that revelation God showed me more. He showed me to stop looking for outcomes. Stop looking for headings, stop looking for miracles, stop looking for more difficulties. When all God says, “Look to Me.” Because that should be all that matters INTIMACY. When we seek intimacy and seek the Father with all we have, then we see more clearly what He is doing around us and walk with more authority.
And if nothing else hear this, no matter if you see a miracle or not; He alone is enough.
