Let’s take it back a few years…
I was brought up going to church and would say that since I was born I’ve “known” God. I put that in quotations because I knew him from what I was told and what they would talk about at church. Not from an actual personal experience with Him. So I would go to church because that is what my parents did. I just thought it was something everyone did. I never really questioned it or gave any thought on why I went.
But through middle school and high school I began to want my faith to be my own. I would hear things like you need to sacrifice what you want for what God wants and so I would ask questions like…
“How do I know what God wants?”…”What do I have to give up?”…”where does God want me?”
“What does God sound like?”…”How do I know it is God’s voice over mine?”
In search of all these questions I went to the one place I thought would help me, the church. They gave me answers like…
“Listen to God”
“Ask God for direction he will give it to you”
“If you are quiet enough you will hear him”
I wanted to hear from Him so I would pray and pray, and wanted Him to answer and to help lead me in the right direction.
I was left in silence every time. It made me angry at God and bitter towards the church for feeling like they just gave me the simple easy answers.
I began to search for people that would listen to me and respond back. People that I believed cared about me. Those answers were being satisfied in my friends at school, girls, soccer, popularity, anything and everything that wasn’t God. Church became a building I had to go to every Sunday and usually a good time for a nap. I didn’t see the church as something important anymore.
Every year I was just pushing myself further and further from God. I was on a constant pursuit of trying to be satisfied. And I found fast and easy satisfaction through those answers I talked about.
I was on a downward spiral and it kept getting worse because the things that were supposed to be satisfying weren’t fulfilling my satisfaction.
I always needed more.
I was about to start college and preparing myself for the crazy parties, all the girls, and being a super star on the soccer team.
So after arriving at University to begin preseason for soccer we had a team meeting where we were introduced to the team chaplain…I thought it was a joke. Then the chaplain went on to talk about his role, which I tuned out. But then heard “…and if you ever want to be prayed over I am always here.”…I thought to myself “ya that will never happen.”
After a few days into preseason I strained my hamstring. I was frustrated and disappointed. Then I remembered what the chaplain said. But told myself I wouldn’t talk to him… The next few days I wrestled with it and decided that it wouldn’t kill me to talk to him.
I went up to him and we started to talk about my frustration and disappointment. He then asked if he could pray for me and as uncomfortable as I was I hesitantly said “sure…”
That moment was all it took. My heart that was walled up to allowing any of God in was finally blown wide open.
The coming weeks were full of a joy that I had never experienced. He put friends in my path that made me want to pursue Him. I stepped out and sought directions from leaders that took the time to really hear me and help me better understand God. I began to learn that the bible was not just a boring book but a book full of life. For the first time in my life I was discovering what a relationship with God looked like.
And for the first time in my life I WAS FULLY SATISFIED.
I began to realize a lot of lies that the enemy filled my heart with.
One of those was that God didn’t care about me. That he didn’t love me enough to want to help me in my time of calling out to him.
But what I learned and I am continuing to learn is that GOD IS ON AN ENDLESS PURSUIT!
Stay with me here… I pushed myself away from God. I didn’t want Him.
BUT even in the midst of my running away from Him he was running after me. He was and has been pulling me in ever since.
God loves me more than I will ever comprehend. The one thing he has shown me is that no matter my feeling towards him, no matter how much I disappoint him, or how far I try and run away from him. He will never give up on me.
And I will always be called His Beloved.
