God lead me to pray with a woman at
camp, and I got the word “holding.” I shared it with her and my
interpretation, that she was holding on to outcomes and trying to
control everything to achieve those outcomes. She told me she didn’t
feel like what I was saying was true at all. Quite the opposite, in
fact. I let it go, thinking if it was true it would stick, if not,
no big deal.
It bothered her all day and late that
night she asked me to explain what I thought it meant to her again.
We ended up talking for two hours. I shared with her some of the
things God is teaching me about my own control issues, my need to
perform and bring gifts to God out of fear that he won’t love me if I
don’t. I shared with her how God is calling both of us to intimacy
despite our own issues,
intimacy and not control. She started sharing some of the things
that were going on with her at home, really hard things, and as she
shared she realized that she was a bit of a control freak. Not only
that, but all the things in her life that were going wrong at the
moment were God’s efforts to take control AWAY from her and make her
trust in him. It was a cool night. She cried, something she told me
she hates to do and rarely does.
I was blown away
that God would use my story, use the things he’s teaching me, to
teach others. The thing she said which touched me the most was the
extent to which our team had blessed her, “If you did nothing else
this next 11 months, it would still be worth it because of how much
you have blessed me.” Maybe she was just trying to make me feel
good about myself, but it worked. What an encouragement she was, and
what an amazing thing that God allowed my team and myself to be a
partner in with her!
