Below is a blog that I have been working on for quite some time. I have been reluctant to write because I was waiting on this brilliant revelation from my time in Romania as closure. Kind of like when accountants close out their monthly statements, I was waiting to type words that would reconcile what was going on and what God was teaching me. And although a little slow, I have realized that I can’t. I can’t reconcile what God is doing in my life right now. And it has taken me a while to be okay with it and to put words to it. I had an amazing revelation in Ireland. A brilliant and almost audible closure to my time there. Account = balanced. But since then, my account is kind of turned upside down and words don’t come as easily or eloquently. Perhaps it is because I am unsure how to put words to what is going on. Maybe it is because I am afraid that it won’t balance or doesn’t balance with anything I’ve experience before. Whatever the case, below is a start at expressing where I am at and where I have been. I certainly apologize for the delay.
October 3rd
Ulcinj, Montenegro
I could not think of a nicer thing than this right now. This is what I have been wanting. No, it’s actually better. I have been longing for a library. A place that invites research and study and …quiet. I have been longing for that place, perhaps more spiritually than physically. But here I am. By myself, which rarely happens I have discovered, with my computer at my finger tips and my Bible, journal, book, ipod, and drinkable yogurt (affectionately called, jogood) spread out on the kitchen table of the home where I am staying this month. It is a two room apartment, so the kitchen is open to the living room. There, is a screen door that is mostly open to let the sounds of the rain flow through the room. It is cool, the kind of weather that almost beckons you to stay in bed. And had my bed not been a 2-inch thick thermarest, I just might have.
But an hour of time is before me and I am praying that I can organize and put words to the thoughts that are rolling around in my head. I have tried countless times to do this. And have failed just as many times. Is it me? Is it the nature of what I am doing? Is it the unstructured ministry we have had for the past two months? Whatever it is, I have found it most frustrating. The pages left unwritten loom over me and nag at me, like the bee that has found its way through the door opening. What was open to welcome sounds and smells of life, has invited a pest.
Perhaps that is where I have been hanging out, staring at the bee that is trying to find its way out, rather unsuccessfully I might add. When instead, I should be focused on the rest of the massive opening that is still capturing the beauty of all that is going on outside. Actually, I think I find myself here a lot. Focused on the little pesky things of life, when there are bigger things that call out for my attention. Bigger things. Part of a bigger picture. I think, I get so caught up in not being heard as I think I should, not having time to myself, not having things look the way that I expect it, that I miss the rest of the opening. My eyes naturally go to the pesky bee, the pesky things.
I have spent many days frustrated at not having words to close my time in Romania. I have had many thoughts, many stories but nothing like my closure in Ireland. It was perfect. The kind of closure that didn’t leave much to wonder about, but left me salivating for what He was going to do next. And it has been my prayer that God would do this same thing each month. A way to close my time and move on to the next month of ministry. But each time I beat my head against the wall to find something, I come closer to my own conclusion. There is no closure.
Romania is part of the bigger picture. Like the screen door that is open to let in life and beauty, so is Romania to the whole. However frustrating it may be to not be able to close a chapter, maybe I am not supposed to. Maybe I am just supposed to let it hang and marvel at the contrast against the bigger picture. Like the bee against the massive opening. And the longer you stare at the opening – the bigger picture, the less you notice the bee. Even now, as I look over at the screen door, I cannot see the bee. Perhaps focusing on the bigger picture works. That, and the bee is gone.
