This month has been one of the hardest months of the race for me. When I say “hard,” it’s not the kind of hard you would probably imagine. Many people would probably think it’s hard to sleep on the floor for two months straight, or use the bathroom in a squatty potty (aka a hole in the ground that you squat over and hope that you don’t miss), or be in a place where no one ever understands anything you are trying to say, or eat foreign food for every meal (i.e. rice, rice, and more rice…and occasionally fried frogs), or sleep in a room with bugs and lots of other unknown critters crawling around. None of these things really bother me very much. Some of them may be a little uncomfortable or a bit frustrating, but I would not describe any of them as “hard.”
I’ve learned that the term “hard” can have several different meanings. What is hard for me, may not be hard for you, and what is hard for you, may not be hard for me. There are also different types of hard, such as physically, emotionally, or spiritually hard. Many times we often focus on the things that are physically hard, like running a marathon, climbing up a mountain, or being sick. However, I think we often overlook and try to ignore when things become emotionally or spiritually hard. And ironically, I think it’s also harder to acknowledge and admit when we are struggling emotionally or spiritually.
This month was really emotionally hard for me. Before I explain more, let me give some context of this month. My team started our month in Cambodia by driving eight hours further than the rest of our squad to a little town called Serei Sisophoan, while all the other teams stayed in the main city of Phnom Penh for ministry. We arrived here eager, excited, and a little unsure of what this month would have in store. Our first week here, we quickly discovered there’s not much to do in this little town. Ministry was really random the first couple weeks and we didn’t really have a schedule or a plan 99.9% of the time. We had A LOT of down time.
If you know me, you probably know that I like to be busy, I like to work, I like to get things done, I like efficiency, and I like to be productive. Naturally, having so much down time this month was challenging for my Type A and extroverted personality. Although I spent a lot of my free time going for walks around the town, working out, playing soccer, writing, playing cards, watching movies, listening to music, and meeting random people, I still had hours of free time left over.
While it was challenging, the hours of down time was not necessarily the hard part for me – it was all that was happening in my heart amidst of all the down time that was hard. It’s amazing how the Lord can have so much more room to work in us when distractions are taken away. This month was hard because I had nothing to distract me from all that was going on inside my heart.
Last month, I wrote about how team changes impacted me. They were hard for me because I grew so close with my first team. This month, I still struggled a lot.
I realized that when I build deep relationships with people, I have a fear that they are going to abandon me, reject me, that they don’t really love me, and that I’m not worthy of being deeply loved. These fears that were hidden deep inside my heart came to the surface this month. I was attacked with feelings from my past and it was really painful to feel this way again.
Being in a place with no distractions and lots of reflecting time, gave the Lord the perfect opportunity to heal my heart deeper. One of my sweet friends with lots of wisdom told me something before I left that I have held on to – she said that when she was on the race, the Lord kept giving her a picture of an onion. He was showing her that he was healing her layer by layer. Once He heals an outer layer, he moves on to heal a deeper layer. That is such a beautiful picture of how the Lord’s healing works. I have experienced more and more depth in the Lord’s healing during this season of my life. When I think there is no more healing to be done, He moves on to a deeper layer.
This month was painful and beautiful all at the same time.
Sometimes seasons of tremendous growth also come with great pain and heartache.
When I am attacked with feelings from my past, I have to fight them with truth. The hard thing is that even though I know the truth, it doesn’t change the way I feel. And it’s just a really hard place to be.
I’ve come to a greater understanding that feelings and reality are not the same. I can feel unloved, but that doesn’t change the reality that I am deeply loved. I can feel abandoned, but that doesn’t change the reality that my Father has never left me and never will leave me – He is walking with me hand in hand through every triumph and tribulation. I can feel unworthy, but that doesn’t change the reality that I am worthy because of what Jesus did for me. I can feel rejected, but that doesn’t change the reality that I am accepted by my Father into his kingdom.
If I would not have been in the circumstances in which I found myself this month, I don’t think that God would have done the work that he did in me this month, I don’t think I would have experienced the amount of intimacy that I experienced with the Father this month, and I don’t think I would have experienced the depth of healing that I did.
So even in the hardest of circumstances, we can be assured, comforted, and encouraged by the truth. Whether we are in the darkest valley or on the highest mountain top, God is good nevertheless.
“Thank me for the conditions that are requiring you to be still. Do not spoil these quiet hours by wishing them away, waiting impatiently to be active again. Some of the greatest works in my Kingdom have been done from sick beds and prison cells.” -Sara Young, Jesus Calling
