Bitch. It’s such a harsh word. A word that merited soap in our mouth if used when we were children. It’s a derogatory term that is used to devalue another human.
I started to forget that my name is JoAnna because I heard the word bitch so many times.
Some of you know that when I was in college, I was in an abusive relationship.
I tried to write this blog last year, but now I realize that God wasn’t finished with the story.
I graduated college and went on an 11-month mission trip to 11 countries and the main thing that the Lord taught me was about forgiveness. I thought that I had forgiven him fully, and tried to convince myself that I could forgive my ex from a distance and not let him know, but God had other plans.
I never wanted to see him again…
It’s a very long story and I’m not going to give you all the details, but I will tell you that God convicted me to write a letter, and read it to him face to face.
Mind you, I have not spoken to him since the day we broke up in May of 2014.
I had been living in fear and anxiety for over two and a half years. I would get anxiety attacks if I ran into him, but once I wrote this letter, my mind and my heart was at peace.
I texted him.
He texted back.
We agreed on a date, time, and place to meet. It had been years, and finally he was sitting in front of me.
We talked for a little bit, and then I read him this letter:
Dear ¦¦¦¦
First of all I want you to know that I love you. When we first started dating I thought you were my husband. I called my dad and told him that I found the one. The first year we were together I thought that I was living in a fairytale. You were a great boyfriend and for the first year, I felt as though I was being treated like a queen.
I don’t remember when or why it happened, but when you moved to Huntsville, everything fell apart. You told me that I couldn’t hang out with my friends anymore because they were your friends. You may not realize it, but you isolated me. You made me feel like I was alone except for you.
After that, things just got worse from there.
I want you to know that I describe our relationship as an abusive relationship. No, you never backhanded me, even though you threatened to. And no you never pushed me down any stairs, but what you did was enough. I specifically remember times when you hurt me physically. One time in particular, I remember screaming out that you were hurting me and your reply was “I don’t give a fuck.” I never told you this, but you grabbed my arms so hard that you broke the implant in my arm and I had to get it taken out and replaced.
You called me bitch every day. It felt like you had forgotten my name. You told me that I was stupid and that I was a simple female. I remember these things specifically because I believed them. They played over and over again in my head until I came to a point that I thought ending my life would be better than hearing those things every day.
When you wanted to go to strip clubs or other things you made me feel like everything I was, wasn’t good enough. You made me feel like I wasn’t pretty enough. You made me feel like whatever I had to offer you would never satisfy you. I remember towards the end of things that the only time we weren’t fighting was when we were having sex, so somehow I got it in my mind that sex is all I was good for. I thought that’s all you wanted out of me.
I remember the night you told me that you smoked weed. I almost broke up with you then, because that was a standard that I had, and I remember thinking, “its only one little thing.” But it became a huge monster in our relationship. I felt like you chose weed over me every day. I felt like your high was more important than my life.
When I think about us, the first things that come to my mind aren’t getting surprise flowers on valentines day or you making me laugh. Its me laying on the floor of your bedroom crying and you kicking me in my back telling me to get the fuck out of your apartment as if I was a dog. It’s endless tears. It’s being alone on the day my grandfather died. I cried every day with you.
We were raised in two different lives, and things that I thought were wrong because of my morals and values, you wanted to do. Back then I thought that we could come to a compromise, but now I see that we should have just been friends and maybe we would still be friends today.
I loved you so much, and I tried so hard to be the perfect girlfriend.
YES, I screwed up. I went mad. Looking back on my actions, I don’t even know who that person was. I acted crazy, but I also think that I acted that way because I wanted it to work so badly.
Either way, I know you’re not the only one to blame for how our relationship was, so I am sorry. I’m sorry for everything that I did wrong, but most of all, I’m sorry that I allowed you to get in the way of my relationship with Christ. When Christ is first in my life, he shines through me, but when he’s not, I become a monster. I was a monster to you. I’m sorry for not treating like the Son of God that you are.
After we broke up, I rededicated my life to Christ on January 11th, 2015. Since then I have devoted my life to Christ and doing whatever he calls me to do.
The first thing He called me to do was go on an 11-month mission trip to 11 different countries. I have literally traveled the world, but the one thing, above all else, that God has taught me, is about forgiveness.
I have forgiven people who I’ve had grudges on for 6 years. I’ve forgiven people who have done little, and big things to me, but you, by far, are the hardest person to forgive.
Some people think that forgiveness is forgetting everything and moving on as if nothing ever happened. I completely disagree. I think that’s wrong. I think that true forgiveness is remembering everything that someone has done to you, and choosing to love that person anyways. So here as I sit in front of you, I want you to know that I cannot forgive you. My flesh will not allow me to, However, I have the Holy Spirit within me. And it’s because of him, and ONLY him, that I CAN forgive you. So you stand forgiven to me.
I couldn’t get through the letter without crying, but when I finished, I got a response that I did not expect.
I thought that he would get angry with me. However, it was the complete opposite. He admitted to everything, and then apologized for all his actions and the way he treated me. He told me that he knew now what he had lost, and that he had lost a good thing.
He was so sweet, so kind, and so loving. He has grown so much. I can truly say that he is a new person and it is only because of Jesus Christ.
He himself said that if I had tried to explain the way I felt back then that he wouldn’t have been able to receive it, but in Gods timing, everything works out. We were both clear minded and able to discuss what had happened in peace.
We met up one more time after this and talked for hours…about everything.
He left telling me that I am not only valuable, but that I am worth it…I am worth everything and that I better not ever let myself settle. He told me that I was a blessing in his life and that he had learned so much from me. He said things that I had wanted to hear for over two years.
I love ¦¦¦¦, and even though I have forgiven him of everything and we are in a good place, we have agreed to go our separate ways.
¦¦¦¦ is doing great things and has wished me the best in life and we will both continue to pray for each other from a distance.
I tell you all this to once again show you a glimpse of God’s grace and forgiveness. There is NO way on earth that I could have done this if I did not have Jesus Christ in my life.
I survived an abusive relationship and with Christ was able to forgive my abuser.
I am truly at peace and it is well with my soul.
Ministry is NOT about going over seas. It’s not about being labeled a “missionary” and it’s not about going on “The World Race” and it’s not a carreer. TRUE ministry is about a lifestyle. It’s a lifestyle of Grace and Forgiveness. TRUE ministry is loving people. Love God, and Love People. You don’t have to go to 11 countries in 11 months to be Christ to people.
You just have to love.
If you yourself are reading this and are in an abusive relationship, just know that there is help. I had my line sisters and family, but there is a national hotline that is waiting for you to call them.
1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
Please know that my situation was covered in Gods grace and protection because it was in HIS timing and HIS obedience. Meeting my ex, face to face was what God Himself asked of me. Everyone’s situation is different. If it is not safe for you to forgive your abuser face to face, that’s okay. This is my story, and God allowed us to have closure face to face, but if you decide to forgive someone who has hurt you, please be safe.
