I have been struggling with something for the past five years and I’m tired. I’m tired of keeping this thing a secret. It’s a burden on my shoulders that I wasn’t meant to carry. Part of my frustration with people is them not being ‘real’ and vulnerable with others about their issues. I have decided that right now is the time to be real and own my story.
Depression. It’s what’s been haunting me since my freshman year of college. Some of you might be relieved because you thought my issue was something way worse, and some of you might be taken by surprise or even a little confused. For those of you who know nothing about this illness or what it feels like then let me describe it to you. “Depression feels like a thousand pound weight holding your body down in a pool of water, barely reaching your chin. So no matter how bad your neck hurts you gotta keep your head up to survive.” Want to know what depression has done to me? It’s made me lose interest in things I once enjoyed such as going out with friends. It’s made me feel isolated. It’s made me sleep 12-20 hours and wake-up still feeling exhausted. It’s made me lose my appetite and go 5 days without eating and barely drinking. It’s made me angry and irritable with my closest family members. It’s made me cry to the point of being dehydrated and not having anymore tears left. It’s also made me feel the most alone I’ve ever felt and made me question whether or not I was worthy to live on this earth.
Want to know what else my depression has done?
1) It’s helped me feel empathy more deeply and has helped develop a non-judgmental attitude to those who are struggling
2) It’s made me realize that being self-reliant doesn’t get me very far (if I could do things by myself then I would’ve done it a long time ago!)
3) It’s given me an attitude of humility. (Asking for help from others is necessary; but not easy!)
4) It’s given me appreciation for the little things in life.
I have made tons of progress since first being diagnosed with depression, and it’s something I now accept is apart of me. I acknowledge that there is a reason behind my situations past and present, but sometimes that doesn’t make it any easier. As of today I am happy to say that when I don’t have faith…I have hope (something I couldn’t have said a couple of years back) I have hope for myself in my situation because of who the Lord is and everything He’s done for me up to this point in my life. *Please understand that I have had trepidation while writing this post* While this was a bold step for me, I am discouraged of what my teammates and supporters of my trip may think. Maybe they’ll think I am not dependent enough on God or maybe they will not see me for who I am…they’ll just see what I struggle with. I keep reminding myself of this: ‘God doesn’t call the equipped, He equips the called.’ I encourage all of you this week to be open and vulnerable with others around you. You don’t have to share your entire life-story but anytime you can be open and honest…there’s freedom.
