Let's back up about a few weeks. It was Sunday May 5th. And I can't sleep to save my life. I rolled around and around in my bed for hours. What was keeping me up? Well, it was actually happening. I finally felt like I was actually going on the adventure of a life time where God was going to lead me and I was going to go and follow Him.
I was excited! I couldn't wait to head off to training camp and see what God had in store for me. I went 3 days without sleeping more then 2-3 hours a night, I was so excited! And let me tell you working 8-10 hours a day and not sleeping was rough after day 1. So by day 3 (Wednesday) I was drained.
I was at work around 11am in a meeting like every other Wednesday when I got a call from the youth pastor at my church. This is weird because we never chat it up on the phone. So after my meeting I walk out to my car and give him a call back. Thats when I got the news that a 13 year old girl in my youth group killed herself the night before. 13! She was 13 years old! She was still a baby! I was SO mad! I was hurt and sad and just broken for the next few hours.
We have youth group every Wednesday Night and all of this girls friends were coming and we had to tell half of them what had happened. So, naturally I sucked it up and dealt with all of my youths grief and left mine for later. I sat in a room all night with these girls, crying, telling stories, and loving on them.
It wasn't until Saturday (the funeral) that I finally grieved. The funeral was at my church and it felt EXACTLY like my moms funeral last August. I was a mess. I cried the entire time at the funeral and then came home to lay on the couch and cry and cry and cry.
What was I crying about? Well, I was crying at loss. I was crying because I had lost my mom and a terrific young girl and so many other losses I had endured in the last few years of my life. By the time Sunday came along (it was mothers day) I wasn't sad any more, I was a little numb. So numb in fact I wasn't sure I was going to go to my training camp for The Wo
rld Race any more. And a week ago I was so excited I couldn't sleep.
That's where God got me. I was struggling with going or not going because I thought I was emotionally fragile again. But that's what He wanted. God needed to break down some walls in me and He had to do it hard. So by the time I got about half way through camp He showed up and helped me ease out of my numbness and feel Him again! I have been so very blessed with my squad and then my team. Most of them don't even know how much they have helped me grow in the past few weeks.
So to them I say thank you! Thank you for helping me open up and deal with my emotions! And thanks for letting me process my losses in a healthy and honoring way.
S-squads is the best!
