The first week here in Kenya, we put on a crusade. If you’re wondering what a crusade is, don’t feel silly. My team asked the same question during our first meeting with the group of pastors we’ve been partnering up with for the month. They had organized a crusade and a series of revivals for our four weeks of ministry. They even designed a poster with our faces on it to advertise!
(Yeah, we’re big time now.)
Basically, they set up a stage of wooden planks in the middle of a road/market in the slums, rented out some HUGE speakers (but as one of the pastors informed us, “Don’t worry, we have license to make noise”), and set out with the goal of letting people know about the joy and love that can be found in the Lord. So for three nights, we worshipped and danced like crazy people, shared testimonies, and spoke about the good news of Jesus to those who hadn’t heard. By the end of the crusade, over thirty people had decided to follow Jesus.
On the second night, I had the honor of giving the message. I was pretty pumped to be speaking at my first ever crusade in Africa, but also quite a bit nervous, and not just because I was going to have to speak in front of hundreds of strangers. The bigger cause for my anxiety was that God had put it on my heart to sing a song. Solo. While playing guitar. Yikes! Now I took some guitar lessons in high school, but that didn't last, and on one hand I can count the number of times I picked up my guitar in college. Coming on the race I didn’t expect that to change, but when times got hard, the most comforting thing I could do was worship, so my gracious teammate let me borrow her guitar. By India I was playing more steadily, but typically only in the solitude found on the roof. I’d NEVER play, and DEFINITELY NEVER sing, in front of anyone else. But teammates soon started to encourage me, and God kept placing it on my heart to worship Him regardless of who was in earshot. So after a warm-up of playing a song in front of my squad at debrief, I guess God thought it was time for the big leagues (well, in my books at least). So though slightly terrified, I decided to be obedient and not be controlled by my fears.
So in the spirit of continuing to act in boldness, I decided to share that moment at the crusade with all of you. But it isn’t because I want to share the song. I want to share with you why the song is so important to me.
To keep it short, I grew up knowing the Lord and feeling so blessed and so loved, but there was a time in college when the world started to sting. People that I cared about hurt me, pains in my life started to surface and pile up, and in my moments of weakness and despair, instead of turning to my Father, I turned to the world. I believed the lies it told me about who I was, or rather who I wasn’t and who I could never be. I started to believe that I was worthless. And so I turned to things of this world to try and satisfy or dull the emptiness inside. I was living a life filled with guilt and shame when I finally realized how desperate I was for God to rescue me. Then one Sunday at church the worship band played this song, and I finally realized the beauty of the Lord, how much He loved me, how much He wanted me back, and that there was nothing I had to do but accept His mercy and grace and let Him change me from the inside out.
The very first line of the song is “He is jealous for me.” And that’s what captured me in that moment. You mean the God of the universe is jealous…FOR ME?! Do you know how crazy of an idea that is? He said to me in that moment, “Jill, I don’t want you to give yourself to relationships or alcohol or food or material things or good grades. I don’t want you to give yourself to the world. I want you to give yourself to ME.” Our God loves us so much, wants us so badly, that He actually gets jealous when we give our attention to things of this world. Do you get how powerful that is? That moment changed me, because I realized that God loved me no matter where I was at, and He was desperate to have me back. I realized that He loved me. Do you realize that God loves you, for exactly who you are and where you're at? Do you realize that the same God that created the universe is jealous for you?
“You must worship no other gods, for the Lord, whose very name is Jealous, is a God who is jealous about his relationship with you.” -Exodus 34:14
I found so much freedom in that truth. So it was to “How He Loves” that I decided to hand all my problems and pains over to God and just rest in Him. And it was in turning to Him that I finally found true joy again. I found escape from sorrow and became unaware of my afflictions, because I was so captivated by His beauty, so captivated by His glory, so captivated by His love.
So that is the short version of what I shared with the crowd that night. Honestly, it makes me slightly nervous to post such a vulnerable blog as this, knowing that unlike my audience at the crusade, most of you reading this know me, where I’ve been, and at least the basics of the story of my life. So what will you think when you read that I went through a period of struggle? Honestly, I’m trying my best not to care that I just posted a blog that reveals that I had some struggles or features a video of me singing and playing guitar like an amateur. Because the point of all this isn’t to bring glory to myself. The point of this blog is to let God be glorified. Because my God redeemed me. My God set me free. My God rules in my life, more so than the opinions of others. The point of this blog is to bring that same freedom and hope to someone else out there. That if there is a chance you feel worthless, a chance you feel unloved, a chance you feel guilty or shameful, a chance you feel lost, a chance you feel bound by this world, then maybe, just maybe this blog will help you see that there is a God that says you are of worth to Him. That you are loved by Him. That there is no guilt or shame in Christ Jesus because He brings unending mercy and grace. That you don’t have to feel lost because the Lord is seeking you this very moment. That you don’t have to be bound by this world or its opinions of you any longer because Jesus came to set us free. So live with joy and freedom and more than anything know…
You are loved by God.
