John 11:35- Jesus wept.
As this trip began I started asking God to let me feel everything that He feels. I have this desire to see things the way He does and when I see them I want to feel what He feels. Initially, I thought God would just have me see the beauty in all of His creations never did I think He would show me the pain He sees and feels. As you read this blog it is important to understand that God feels things a million times deeper than we do, because He loves us more than anyone else. When you are sad He is even more sad, when you are happy He is even happier. God created us in His image, so our emotions are LIKE His, but they are not His. Could you imagine actually feeling love as much as God does? Seeing your creations disobey you for thousands of years, then sending your son to die for those creations only to watch thousands of more years of disobedience just so some of us could be with Him. Can you imagine the pain of rejection He feels, the grief of a soul going to hell? Can you imagine what we would be like if we felt emotions to the extent God does?
When I was in Lesotho there was a village we went to pray for that had spiritual warfare going on, and my team got attacked. Some of our squad mates wanted to go back and pray for the village so Cara and I took them. When I went back I saw a little boy; a little boy I’ll never forget. He couldn’t speak english, but he didn’t have to for me to know that he gets abused physically and sexually. God told me that abuse happens to this little boy. I did not want to leave him, but I had to. With every step I took away from the boy I felt my heart getting heavier and heavier, so heavy that had to stop and I wept. It was something I had never experienced before. It was a feeling of uncomfortable pain, helplessness, and heart brokenness. I was not just crying I was weeping. I could barley breathe. I heard God tell me in that moment that I would see more of Him in this way, because that’s where He is. I asked Him to show me where He is and to see what He sees, and that is what He gave me in that moment.
God showed me Himself again when I was South AfricA last month. During my month in South Africa, I lived with teens who were doing drugs, having sex, and drinking alcohol, but God called me to love them. He told me I know you and I love you; I love you because I know you, so love these teens. For the first time I understood what it felt like for God to see us doing our sins and loving us still. I knew what the teens were doing and when but I cannot stop them, because it is their choice. All I can do is love them as God has loved me through my sin. There were countless nights full of exhaustion and tears for me during last month, but God was teaching me how to love. Love is constant and stays the same no matter what, even when the person does not love you back. Last month left me emotionally exhausted, but God also left me wanting more. I still desire to see and feel what He does. Last month He taught me a lot, but what I felt for those kids was only a portion of the love God has for us.
As my team and I were heading to the air port to fly to Vietnam we stopped in a city to get on our bus. The city was run down and you could tell a lot of crime and poverty occurs. We walked around the city to find something to eat, as we were walking I heard people hollering and screaming. Then I saw a crowd of people chasing a man into the street. They were beating this man and laughing at him. All I heard in my mind was to go down there, so Colt, Naomi, and I ran down there. I kept thinking this man may not know Jesus, and he could die without Jesus. There was a moment when the man looked at me with blood running down his face into his eyes and mouth. Colt tried to intervene, but the crowd would not let him. They told us the man had stabbed someone to death. They then took him away in handcuffs with no police in sight. We walked away not knowing if this man truly committed that crime and if those people took him to the police. I felt more uneasy walking from this man than I did when I walked away from the boy in Lesotho.
All night I kept thinking of this man. I woke up around 5 because I could not sleeP. I decided to read my bible to get my mind right, when an overwhelming feeling sadness came upon me. I was reading the book of Habbakuk when tears began streaming down my face. It was similar to Lesotho, but even stronger. I wasn’t crying; I was weeping. I could not control myself and my heart felt more broken than ever before. This went on for two hours. I decided to journal and ask God what was going on, when He told me it was because I saw His Son. The man all alone getting laughed at, kicked, chased, and punched by the crowd that was Jesus. The scene I witnessed was how it looked when Jesus was getting persecuted. Jesus went through that, when He was completely clean of any sin. His face was covered in blood like this man’s face was.My sadness turned into awe. This was the first time I truly knew what Jesus went through. This moment has changed my life. God taught me how to love during last month, then in this moment He showed the cost of love.
Now I am in Vietnam where it is illegal for me to share the gospel. This is by far the hardest part of the race for me. When I run in the morning all I see is people who probably don’t know Jesus. All I want to do is go up them and tell them about Jesus, but here you have to wait to do that. You have to make relationships, gain trust, and patiently wait for the time to come to share the gospel. My heart is heavy walking in this country, but this is how God feels. He feels it more than I do. Imagine being a parent and your child chooses not to see you, and lives a life of pain instead. That’s how God feels when people don’t come to Him. Three months ago I never thought these things but God said to ask and you shall receive and I have received. To see how God’s love is painful, but to love as He wants us to I think it is necessary. God is joy, but we often over look the pain He experiences from seeing His creations reject Him. I encourage everyone to ask God to teach them how to love…it will wreck your world.
Please be praying for the people of Vietnam and everyone else around the world who lives in a closed country.
