The first time I practiced feedback was at Training Camp. Our team (we were like little WR babies!) sat in a circle and said great things about each other and I left feeling uplifted and encouraged about myself. I thought, “Yea, I’m gonna like feedback.”
Then came January and Launch. Feedback with my team happened every day. I heard tough feedback given and I saw the struggle.
I received tough feedback. And I took it personally.
Meaning, I figured it kinda meant I wasn’t a good person.
It was a threat, and it was not a good thing.
It wasn’t intentional, but this pattern continued for several months into the race. When I received growing feedback, I would often retreat, even if it was only on the inside. When I gave growing feedback, I was afraid and yet would become upset or feel misunderstood if it wasn’t received well. For me, feedback became quiet and tense.
Then came Laos. It was Unsung Hero month for our team, and we got to have Nikki and Erica with us for two weeks. After a few days, they saw some unhealthy patterns and called us out on it. They sat us down and made us talk things out. They helped us practice saying hard things, and our team was better for it.
(Shout-out to the SQLs, mentor, and coaches for all the prayers during that time!)
That was a turning point for me.
And while I’m still learning and always will be, here’s what I’ve got so far:
Receiving feedback
Feedback, when given in love, is not intended to be a threat. It doesn’t attack your identity, it addresses actions that aren’t consistent with the person God designed you to be. In WR lingo, we describe it as “calling you higher.”
I say, “feedback, when given in love,” because it’s possible for it not to be given in love. And it can feel like a threat or attack. But that’s part of the discernment the Holy Spirit will give in receiving feedback.
Also, sometimes I’ve gotten feedback that was given in love, but the person didn’t see my heart behind it. Sometimes I did something with pure intentions, but it was perceived differently. It happens. It’s ok. And it’s a good thing because it can give you opportunity to see your actions from a different perspective.
Regardless of how feedback is given, take it. Thank the giver for their courage in giving, and then ask Daddy what He says about it, too. Don’t keep Him out of the process.
HE IS ABSOLUTELY, 100% NEEDED!!!
Giving feedback
So receiving feedback, even if it may be a bit off or just plain hard to take is one thing. Giving feedback has its own dynamics. There were times I gave feedback, but nothing seemed to change…
It was way too easy for me to get angry and impatient. I wondered why my words were “ignored.”
Simply put, giving feedback is not about control. It’s not a demand and again, it shouldn’t be a threat to a friendship or the love you give to someone. The love displayed in giving growing feedback shouldn’t end—even if the feedback is rejected or not taken well.
Love the person—who they are—even while the actions do not seem to match up to what you think they should be or who God says they are.
That’s what God does with us every day.
He sees my actions and my mess-ups and He doesn’t ignore it, but He looks deeper. He says, “Daughter, I see who you are. Allow me to teach you a better way of doing things. Regardless, I do and will love you.”
Or the other option is…
As an ending note, I think it’s important to add: Feedback shouldn’t be used as an opportunity to get your thoughts out there and then the other person can only say, “Thank you.”
On the race, we had the 24 hr. rule. The person receiving feedback was encouraged to wait 24 hours before discussing it with the giver. This gave time for the Holy Spirit to speak, and perceptions to be based on sound thinking, not emotions. There is definitely a time and place for that.
But then there are also times when sitting down and hashing things out together is a better choice (conflict resolution). Not only do you sit face to face (yes, it can be a bit scary), but you hear both sides and hear the reasons behind the actions.
Again, using the Holy Spirit’s discernment for each situation is vital!!!
Looking forward…
Now that I’m stateside again and looking back… I see my personal journey more clearly.
My present thought pattern is like this. “Ok, so feedback is a good thing. How do I live it out here in a lifestyle of feedback? How do I share it well with my friends and family?”
I don’t have clear answers yet, but like we always said on the race…
“It’s a process!”
(picture of feedback with my team…just because. 🙂 )
