“I’m Not a Writer, I Just Write …”

Recently I shared a blog about being superficial and desperate for love, you can read that blog here… This is the continuation of that … Like I said, going into Month 8 Debrief I was bruised and hurt and not living in the identity I have been called to live in. There is something so heartbreaking about knowing whose you are and knowing who you are called to be but not walking in that freedom and in that God given identity. To be honest, that is the place I have found myself for most of the Race, claiming freedom but being unwilling to take off the chains. I have willingly held myself in captivity … but not anymore. Who the Son sets free is free indeed!

This poem/spoken word that you read at the top of this blog is something that the Lord gave me the words to write back in Malaysia. I wrote it after feeling so stirred by a spoken word that another World Racer shared on his blog; you can see that spoken word below. But basically, I wrote this and felt God wanted me to share it with the squad, but I am not really one to just get up and share stuff with the whole squad, especially not my own writing. People seem to think I’m a writer, but I seem to think I just write … to some that may not seem any different, but to me it makes all the difference because I rarely share some of the things I write because I’m just not sure … I wonder if it’s too personal, if it’s too cheesy, if it’s too cliché … so many worries, but God said share. So in typical fashion I decided to try and bargain,

“Okay, Jessica … can I be any more clear in my invitation for you to share?�

“… But God, do you know what kind of inner turmoil I am going through here at debrief? This is not the time to share about something I am not even sure I believe about myself at the moment.�

“Beautiful daughter, I have created your innermost being … I know what you are struggling with and what better opportunity to step into confidence than sharing your writing … something you keep to yourself for fear of what other people will think?�

… So after a bit more wrestling and mentioning to my team that I may share something at the open mic night, I was pretty much told that I needed to share, and I guess all in all … if I really didn’t have some desire to share I would have never mentioned it… but deep down I knew that I would be standing up there that night, reading the spoken word God had placed on my heart the month before. Except in one final last ditch effort to make it not seem so personal, I tried to change the words to say stuff like “we and us” … I tried to make it not something about me, but the flow wasn’t there when I changed the words, and God made it very clear that I needed to share it as He spoke it to me, and I just prayed that it would mean something to someone else as well, even though that would now have to be implied and not direct. After sharing it, I am sure that some of the ladies really got something from it, but that isn’t why I did it … God didn’t give me those words just so I could reach others necessarily. In fact, He spoke those words to me because I needed to hear them and in sharing them I was being obedient to what He called me to do.

I know this may sound cliché and I know I have heard it time and time again but … If we ask God for confidence (or any attribute really … courage, boldness, fearlessness, etc…) He won’t just instantly make us confident, though I’m sure that is in His realm of capability; rather, He will provide us an opportunity to step up and be confident. So next time you pray and seek for God to give you something, don’t miss the opportunities He places in your path to push you into that place you want to go…