I saw this video earlier, from a guy on another squad … it kind of hit me pretty hard. I never intended to write a blog like this but … I feel like I need to process what I heard as I watched this spoken word video.
I close my eyes. I flashback to college. I flashback to the days where I didn’t know my worth. I flashback to situations I put myself in. I flashback to seeking the approval of guys. I flashback to constantly trying to fix myself to make myself worthy of someone’s love. But the love never came. I was never good enough. I could never make myself into society’s idea of perfection. I yearned for acceptance, and I took acceptance and approval from anywhere. I accepted the fake substitutes and the childish games of immature boys who were definitely not equally yoked with me.
Those boys, they really did a number on how I viewed myself. For how little I mattered to them, they sure did hurt me. They sure did find ways to make me feel like I should be someone I wasn’t. They sure did find ways to lead me off the path that God was laying for me. They sure did find ways to leave me on the doorstep used as nothing more than a doormat for their egos. I know it’s harsh. I don’t harbor unforgiveness, I do harbor a realization of who they were not. I do harbor a realization of the ways they played a role in building my brick exterior. I do harbor a realization of the ways they make me connect even the littlest things to the ways they hurt me in the past. That’s not fair. I didn’t even know I still had these ties to that part of my past, but here in Malaysia, God has shown me that I have been fighting to prove that I am no longer a doormat.
Why do I feel I have to prove anything? Why do they still have so much control over my thoughts and the way I live life in this community that is The World Race? Why can’t I get past frustration to see that all these men I serve with are truly men of God who are so worthy. I know it in my head … these are some seriously awesome men we have on Y Squad, but in my heart I feel liike the bricks and barbed wire are keeping me from loving my brothers in Christ the way I should. I shouldn’t feel like I am constantly in a fight to be enough … not because of anything they did or did not do, but because in these situations where I feel like screaming, “I AM NOT A DOORMAT!” I feel like I don’t see these men as the men of God they truly are. I see glimpses of my past. I see past hurts, open wounds, and unhealed scars.
When did almost every conversation become the most awkward tension filled situation on my part? When did I become so critical? When did I become that girl with no confidence from my past who sought out approval to feel loved and to prove her worth; but then in the wake of yet another failed attempt at being enough, I became closed off and independent. Seeking nothing more than the fact that I didn’t need a guy in my life … and yet still knowing that deep down God was going to be preparing me for marriage someday. How could I be independent and be married one day? Why do I have to be that cliche Proverbs 31 woman who has to serve those who would just hurt me?
Well, that didn’t come out like I planned, but the moral of the story is … I can’t keep living my life flashing back to someone who isn’t me anymore. I can’t live in my guarded world when life gets rough. I can’t expect every guy to be the immature boys of my past. And I can’t honor my brothers in Christ on this squad until I release these hurts and frustrations and disappointments. I desire perfection, but people aren’t perfect … I won’t go through life without being hurt, but I can be a little less hurt when I lower my standards for perfection and heighten my standards for seriously Godly men.
