It is times like these when I wonder why I ever extend a helping hand to anyone. Recently, people have asked how I have so much patience and yet I feel as if I have none. I feel suffocated and frustrated.
I do it in attempt to love like Jesus and extend help so people can succeed. I give so much I have nothing left. Days like today make me wonder what the hell I am thinking. It makes me wonder if the efforts are worth anything except stress and anxiety. It makes me feel like I'm breaking and not in a healthy way. I am at my limit. I can't keep giving and giving and giving. Yes, I spend time in the word and prayer and yes, I take time for myself but it is next to impossible to stand under pressure like this. The warfare is intense. The warfare is exhausting. The emotions are draining but I am hanging on and I will not relent. I just will take every moment I have and lock the door with a pillow over my head. I feel like I am drowning in the midst of serving. This kind of thing, I really don't understand or know how to cope with.
Yet, my heart is to give…to serve…to love. I have worked on loving with no expectations for years…and now, I am wondering if that was such a good idea. I was told to love and expect nothing in return. To give and not desire anything from them. Well, many years later I sit in the same situation and have put those principles in to action. I have given of myself in many diminsions to see zero return, zero appreciation, and zero desire to move forward from anyone around me. It is the same excuses, the same pity, and the same apathy.
I desire to help and give and serve yet I get walked all over to the point of mere exhaustion. Yet, in this current situation, it is one of those that if I do not step up and do something, it won't get done.
What do you do?
I guess for now I will continue to love and serve, give and help and pray I don't drown in the process. Time with the Lord is great, but something is lacking.
I have a goal: to do all that God has called me to do. In this season, it is preparing for the Race and going on the Race. Circumstances will not prevent me from doing all God has required. I can only pray that these things I am doing are storing up treasures in heaven and not worthless attempts here on earth.
I will not cave to the temptations that are flying my way. I will not cave to the stupidity and immaturity, and nonsense. I will stand strong in the Lord and rely on Him and Him alone to get me through this and help me see as He sees and love as He loves. I just pray I can stay focused…
