**please note, this blog is basically me working through some things in my head. So it’s long. Read on if you like!
My entire life, I have been “the shy one.”
I am the youngest of three, with an older sister and an older brother. And they absolutely take the world by storm. My sister is literally one of the strongest people I know; she is fearless, assertive, and completely in control in situations that would make most people want to curl up in the fetal position and cry. And at the same time, she is wise beyond her years– I can go to her with anything and know that she will sit with me, cry with me, have patience to no end with me, and offer me advice and understanding that comes straight from the Lord. She is the life of every party, and I’ve never met anyone who doesn’t love her and have wholehearted respect for her. We can talk on the phone 5 or 6 times a day and still have things to talk and laugh about. My brother is one of my favorite people to hang out with. He is one of the more social beings on the planet, and has the ability to strike up a conversation with absolutely everyone he crosses paths with, instantly putting them at ease. At the same time, he sees through people and is not afraid of calling them out on their crap, which I have a ton of respect for. I can never get anything past him– he will call me out in an instant! And he does it in a loving (often sarcastic) way that usually ends up making me laugh in the end. He is just an incredibly charming, charismatic, witty guy.
Like I said, my siblings take the world by storm.
And a side effect of coming along ten years behind them, is that I was, to some extent, in their shadow. But I would never have chosen to be anywhere else! They were my heroes growing up, until I got to an age where we became friends, and now they are my two best friends on the planet. But growing up with them, I was definitely in their shadow. Because they are incredibly strong people anyway, and when you put them together, they are a force to be reckoned with. So growing up, I was the shy one. It was just a fact. I was too young to really add anything to conversations, so I just sat back and listened and laughed and tried to be inconspicuous so that I wouldn’t get picked on. They were never mean, but I have always been a freakishly sensitive person, so better to just sit back and shut up than stick my nose out there and make a fool of myself. So I was the shy one. The quiet, timid, loves-to-be-alone-with-a-book little sister. I was described that way, and that’s how I saw myself.
I’m starting to think that that isn’t really true.
Throughout college, as I got settled into my group of friends and finally started being comfortable in my own skin, I kept surprising myself. I realized that I loved hosting big “family” dinners. As a cochair at camp, I shocked the crap out of myself when I jumped up on a chair and commanded the attention of a roomful of new freshman and counselors. All of these were little indicators that maybe I’m not quite as shy and introverted as I thought.
Still, when I filled out different personality tests for the World Race, I saw myself as a total introvert. I thought I would want to be alone a substantial part of each day. I thought I would one of the really shy, timid, quiet girls on the race.
Again, the World Race is blowing through expectations, one by one.
Every night our team has to do something called Feedback– we all sit down, talk about the day, hash out any disagreements, and lift each other up with encouragement and affirmation.
My feedback has been surprising me from day one.
Matt told me at training camp that he saw me as a very “daring” person. What? I’m not daring! I’m timid! He’ll see soon.
A couple days into the race someone told me that they loved the lightheartedness and joy that I brought to the team. Huh? I thought I was a pretty somber, Eeyore-type person! I mean come on, I’m the shy, quiet, timid one!
Feedback has been more and more of the same surprising stuff. Finally today, I asked my teammates a question that had been brewing in my mind for a while.
“Do you guys see me as a shy person?”
The answers were basically a huge, resounding NO. They didn’t think I was when they met me at training camp, and they certainly don’t see me as one now. They were shocked when I told them that I have been the shy one. And their reactions really were a huge shock for me. I have grown up believing that I was in the shadow of all the other strong personalities around me, and that has just been proven wrong over and over since I got here. I’ve been suspecting something like this for a while– but it’s just crazy to have confirmation!
I think it also helps that I absolutely love all of these people I’m with, and I feel like we all click really well. Perhaps I used the alleged shyness as something to hide behind when I was around people who made me feel insecure? Who knows. Definitely some food for thought. I think that this will be a huge learning experience for me, where the Lord shows me some crazy truths about myself.
