My heart is broken. My heart is broken for e squad. 8 short months ago these people were complete strangers. Today they stand beside me as family. Last night three of our brothers were taken from us. They are being sent home and not allowed to finished the race.
After countless attempts of begging and pleading for the decision to be reconsidered and speaking up in defense of the men we have come to know and deeply love were to no avail. And a few short hours we pulled off tears streaming down our faces without our brothers.
I do not know the extent and details of the conversations had but know how much my heart was breaking and knowing how the heart of my squad was breaking I went back to my room and spent some time in prayer.
I have spent time praying, begging the lord to change their minds. Begging for more grace, more mercy. Sometime in the early morning hours I felt a clam and a peace over me and I know that was the lord.
I don’t know why he didn’t change the minds of our leadership and I don’t understand the decision, but in that calm and peace that came over me the lord reminded me of a decision I made with my co-leaders made for my Thailand team back in 2012. To say that this decision was unpopular would be a severe understatement, but I knew it was from the lord. And I couldn’t answer their questions. I couldn’t give them all the details because I simply did not have them. I know this hurt them. I know they felt betrayed. I know that that I lost a lot of trust and knowing all this hurt me. I knew this decision I had made was from the lord. I knew without a shadow of a doubt. I still stand by that decision. Knowing this didn’t make it hurt any less. I spent that night in tears. Tears for my fellow leaders and for my girls.
Now sitting on a bus 4 brother down I sit on the other side. I’m the one whose heart is broken. I’m the who wants all the answers and explanations and I’m not getting them. Having now been on both sides. The whose heart was soften was mine. The one whose heart was convicted was mine. The one who started questioning everything was me. I don’t know what is going to happen next. I don’t know how we will recover.
But this I do know. I have a leadership team who loves us dearly. I have seen them shed tears for us, laugh with us, have their hearts broken when ours were broken. I have seen them challenge us with grace, discipline us when needed, and cheer us on harder than anyone else. I know that the leadership team of E squad is for us. I know the great love they have for us and I trust them. I trust the Holy Spirit in the and God in them. I do not believe they would deliberately or spitefully try to hurt us.
I am choosing today the side of love and the side of grace. I am choosing to trust blindly because I believe the lord knew all this would happen and that my heart would be broken the way it is broken and he chose to allow me to be here. He has me here under this leadership to learn, to grow, and to be challenged. He has me under this leadership to be encouraged, empowered, and built up and I can honesty say all of those things have happened. I have been loved better by E squad and this leadership team than I have ever been loved by any other body I have been apart of.
No one said this would be easy. I remember several people told me this would be the best and the worst year of my life. That the world race was probably the hardest thing that would happen to me, BUT it would be good. They were right. It has been hard. It has been the best and worst decision I have ever made and it has been good.
I’m choosing to believe that these last 3 months will be amazing. That they lord has even more for us. I’m choosing love and I’m choosing grace and I’m choosing trust. These are not easy things to do. But I know that none of this is a surprise to God so I have to believe that no matter if this was his will or not, no matter if I agree or disagree, that this will work out for the good of E squad who loves God and has been called according to his purpose. I have to believe there is still purpose in this for me.
I know that some may not like what I have to say. They may think I’m a hypocrite or drinking the cool-aid. To them I would say this. As of last night I have started a new chapter and I’m leaving everything else behind. I am well aware the frustrations I have voiced and the lord has moved in my heart in a such way that I cannot remain angry and I refuse to harden my heart.
I love this squad. I love this body of Christ that has become my family. I love that you stand up for injustice and fight for what you believe in. I love how you love each other and the people you come across. I love seeing you grow. I also love that you and I, that we are heartbroken because it pushes us to the lord.
We will recover. We will finish strong.
