After putting Pierce (the baby I nanny) down for a nap I open my MacBook to check Facebook, catch up on some payments, and start browsing through several blogs that I follow not really paying any real attention to what they are actually saying. My mind is else where, nowhere in particular, just somewhere else. It seems my mind has been in this other place, while now.
As much as I have wanted to I haven’t blogged or wrote in my journal or really spent any real quality time with Jesus in a while. Somehow between work, friends, family, and serving Jesus I managed to busy myself enough to not actually sitting and spending time with Him.
As I was aimlessly browsing through different blogs this verse jumped out at me so suddenly I missed it the first time. I scrolled back up the page and read the verse again.
“Those who plant in tears will harvest with shouts of joy. They weep as they go to plant their seed, but they sing as they return with the harvest.” Psalm 126:5-6
Then it hit me. This land of nothingness my mind continual wanders to is my wilderness. In Hosea we read about a prostitute who is bought out of slavery and loved dearly by the man who paid for her freedom. She is treated well…better than a prostitute deserves. But she continually goes back to prostituting herself and her husband continues to rescue her and pay for her freedom over and over again. The Lord compares this prostitute to the nation of Israel, his chosen people, who continue to go after false gods, which inevitably lead them into trouble and the Lord, full of grace and compassion, continues to rescue them from all who enslave them. But there is someone else I see when I read this passage. I see myself.
This past year and half of my life the Lord has been teaching me a lot. We have been walking through some of my more painful life experiences together and he has been showing me the lessons and where he was in the process. There is some deep healing that needs to take place in the depths of my heart but somewhere in the process it just got to me too much for my human little heart to handle. I started to turn from relying on Him to relying on me. The sad part is I didn’t even realize I was doing it. I began to fall back into old habits, believe old lies I knew were false, and walk into old prisons I had been freed from.
“Therefore, behold I will allure her [Israel or Jessica] and bring her into the wilderness, and I will speak tenderly to her and to her heart” Hosea 2:14 (AMP)
I would go back to life’s tasks after mere minutes of sitting feeling like I was hearing nothing from God or getting distracted by my to-do list, or just feel like I was spacing out…that was God. He was leading me out into the wilderness. I don’t know what this wilderness holds in it and I don’t know why is makes me so anxious to be alone with The Father. But I do know now that it is The Father who is calling me to come to Him. So clearly I can here Him say it “Arise, my darling, my beautiful one, come with me”
There is a peace that rushes over me as write this. I feel calm, no longer anxious about everything and nothing at all. Deep inside I know I must go but I’m not going in my strength, I’m going in His. For the One who loves more than any human ever could is calling me to come to Him. The One who paid for my freedom and continues to rescue me from myself is call me to come and sit with Him. He wants to speak tenderly to my heart and me.
So I must go.
