I’ve been searching for words lately…words that somehow
articulate the aching and groaning deep inside my heart.
I read this blog by Jamie the Very Worst Missionary this
morning and found a flood of emotion running over me. Her words resonate deep inside my heart.
“Fire bones� are something I’ve seen growing in my community
here among the staff at AIM. I
have several brothers and sisters who have found themselves in place of
increasing fire and intimacy with the Lord. The challenge for me, like Jamie has been that: “I
stood right next to him, holding a barely burning ember in the sweaty palm of
my hand, hoping that no one else could see the difference between us.�
I have found myself in the desert lately,
wandering, aimlessly. This desert
has been somewhat self-inflicted in that I have often chosen not to “stoke my
fireâ€�…for a reason. The season I find myself in
is painful. It involves feelings
of grief and of pain and continued revelation of my need for greater healing in
the area of past hurt and rejection.
Up to this point in my relationship with the
Lord, I had never found myself wandering in the desert. Everything I’ve known of Him and of
faith, was soft, fluffy and peaceful.
It wasn’t hard, it didn’t hurt and it didn’t require me to press through
anything ugly or messy–if it did, I was blinded by the fact that I am
desperately in love with my Savior.
I still love Him immensely, however, this season
is different, in that I don’t feel His love pouring out of me like it has in
past seasons. For the first time
in my life, I feel like I question Him and what He’s doing. I ask Him why and I wonder if I really
want to continue to dive into deeper intimacy. In reality, I do, but I want it to come without having to
feel the pain and mix of emotions that come along with the process of healing.
In my desperate attempt to avoid these feelings,
I’ve avoided Him and any “stoking of the fire� that might spark such emotion;
hence the aching and groaning in my heart.
I understand the necessity of pressing through. I know I cannot allow my fear of
feeling something to keep me from the intimacy with the Father that I desire
and was created for. Still, the
choice is weighty and one that I make less hastily than I used to.
I share this with you because I know others walking through
similar seasons on their journey of faith. I want this (my blog) to become a
place where the depth and reality of my relationship with the Lord is
shared.
There are stories upon stories that I can and will share with you about Him and
all He continues to do in and through my ministry, the World Race and
Adventures in Missions.
But I want
you to see the true reality of my personal walk with the Savior as well. I want to hear your praises, thoughts, and
struggles too.
Where does the Lord have you–right now?
