I froze at training camp. And no I don't mean because it was nearly 40 degrees at night and I was sleeping outside in a tent. I mean I froze up. I shut down. What I never expected to happen, happened.
I was excited for training camp. I was looking forward to a great encounter with God, feeling the Holy Spirit in a new and powerful way. I was ready. I was pumped. I had a beautiful drive to Georgia, just me and Jesus spending some quality time together. But when I arrived to the camp and all the leaders were jumping up and down and waving me in, something snapped….. Panic set in. What is this place? What have I done? What have I gotten myself into? I was terrified immediately.
So I got parked and searched frantically for people wearing red since that was my squad's color and found a sweet team mate named Karen who led me over to the registration table. Beyond that a lot of those first few hours are a blur. I wanted so badly to break out of this fear that had taken over. I wanted to connect with my team. I even struggled to connect with the Lord during worship. I had involuntarily shut down and I had no idea why.
I had reverted back to the painfully shy kid I was back in school who was never really very popular and always struggled to fit in. Despite my years of education, travel, and life experiences, when put in an uncomfortable situation I reverted right back to a place I thought I had put in my past. I felt like the kid being last picked for dodge ball again. I felt like the kid wanting to sit at the cool lunch table but not belonging there. I felt like the kid at church camp that no one talked to. I felt invisible.
This all hit me like a ton of bricks. Why was I feeling this way? These are all people that love the Lord like crazy, enough to lay down their lives and serve Jesus around the world for an entire year. What was I so afraid of? I haven't been this person in years. I am the office goof ball. I give presentations to the public and meet at least 20 new people at work each and every day. I have put these fears behind me. I have buried these feelings of inadequacy. Or so I thought………
During worship services different people began to speak over me telling me that I am worthy of love. That God does love me. That God does see me. That it is His delight to share His kingdom with me. That a brand new robe has been put on me. That I am right where He wants me. That He created me and loves me just the way I am. I struggled to grasp the truths in these messages Jesus was sending to me. When you have never felt totally and unconditionally loved, when you have never felt completely wanted, never been totally emotionally safe, when you have never felt like you are enough, well it is hard to recognize what that kind of love should really look like. I didn't realize how desperately that scared kid in me was still reaching out for love and attention. For affection. For affirmation.
But the good news is Jesus is enough! I am fearfully and wonderfully made! I was created by hand by the King of all the universe and He does all things perfectly. His love never fails and His love satisfies. To find my identity in Christ, my confidence through Jesus alone, this is what I had been missing. And this will be a work in progress in me. Jesus is teaching me to love myself because He loves me. Then I can better love others. I can rest in the assurance that He will never leave me and He will always continue to delight in me. I am so excited for this new journey I get to walk through with the Lord and I can't wait for Him to take me to new depths of His love and continue to show more of Himself to me. Boxes have been opened, walls torn down, chains broken, and healing has begun. I am humbly grateful that He loves me so much He would pursue me to have more of Him. When I thought life was good, I thought everything was ok, He showed me there is more. And I can't wait………
When they tell you training camp will bring out all your fears and weaknesses, they aren't lying. But it's beautiful…..
"I will praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that very well." Psalm 139:141
