I never planned to be the party girl.
I never planned to be the one that guys warned their friends about.
When I was in high school, I was a typical “good girl”. I never drank or went to parties. I was very interested in leadership organizations, sports, and making good grades. I was focused on building my resume for college. One thing that didn’t show up on my resume was my relationships. I dated boys with no moral compass or relationship with Jesus. It took a toll on my own faith and always ended in heartbreak. I trusted and loved them and in turn, they used me and threw me away. I learned quickly to play the part of the fun girl to get what I wanted and not really let them see the true me. By the time I got to college, boys were just a game to me. I would go out with my friends to parties every weekend and see how many boys I could kiss in one night. (I have maintained my virginity for my future husband and for that I am so thankful for). I always had at least one boy that I was texting at all times. The question wasn’t if I was talking to somebody but which one. If I did date someone, it was usually just for a few weeks. I had no hesitancy about playing with guys’ hearts because they had broken mine so many times. I saw it as a social justice. Broken heart for broken heart. All while mine was hidden behind a wall of ice.
Well, winter is over. Jesus took a blowtorch to my wall. I realize how broken I really was inside and the damage I caused others. At the start of the race, I thought my life would be the same when I returned to the States. Now I know that isn’t true. I don’t want to break guys’ hearts anymore and I don’t want mine broken. No more broken hearts. I want something that is real. I want to be myself and let someone know the true me.
The people on my team have seen my transformation from rebel to woman of God. They know that all that I said is true and that I am now a new creation in Christ. However, with the people at home, the story is different. I know that my reputation as the girl who dates around proceeds me. I know that guys who knew me in my former life would still warn their friends about me. I understand the hesitation but give me grace. Yes, I was a bad girl. WAS. God has given me redemption and that is all I need but my heart wants it from the people I care about. I am Rahab. I have seen the light and am not going back to the darkness.
Amazing grace, how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me.
