FEARLESS
Deuteronomy 3:21 -22 … Your eyes have seen all that the Lord your God has done. So will the Lord do in each of the kingdoms you are crossing. You shall not fear, for it is the Lord your God that fights for you.
During my first week here in Romania … This word popped up countless times. As the missionaries, living here, talked about the fears people have in the community. Telling us to watch out for the Gypsies. Several of my devotionals this month focussed on facing fears or being fearless. I knew in the first few days this was my word (as I usually do each month) However, This time I was clueless as to why.
I am a pretty fearless girl. I'm bold and do things most people would never do … I'm a risk taker and truly believe God has got my back. I have a history with God that proves this. I've experienced failures but have little regret. I prefer it this way! I've been complimented by people and my fellow racers who see my fearless spirit continually. I'm heard quoting the bible to others when trying to encourage them to do something, saying .. "God did not give you a spirit of fear!" … I also say this out loud to myself when I'm having to face a cockroach … I hate those things!!
The lord chose this month to place my greatest fears in my path and make me deal with them!
FEARS FACED THIS MONTH (not cockroaches)
1 Death of a loved one
2 Support Raising
3 Being Alone
When I'm given control/ choice I have no problem jumping into something head first! However, when it's something I can't control or do myself. When it's in GOD's hands I trust His control but fear It as well. I fear GOD's plans for me! I fear my desires aren't GOD's and don't know how to deal with this. I fear my future more than I like to realize. When things are going my way the future is bright and I love God immensely.When God calls I go! However, when things change and don't go the way I think they will… I start to question God and fear the steps I will take.
Questions?: What do you do when you don't know where He is calling you? When your in-between circumstance and His call. When you think your in Gods will and then things seem to change?
This was by far my hardest month on the race. It was freezing cold and there was four feet of snow on the ground to be shoveled. I'm from Florida this was my first experience with snow. I couldn't walk to church with out slipping and fell more times than I can count. I was cold even if I was bundled up and inside. Oh how I love Florida! In the cold snow and gray sky I found myself complaining and feeling sorry for myself (such a contrast from the beauty and thankfulness of Swaziland) It was the first month I've had free unlimited internet. Just seeing my family and friends made me so homesick. The internet was a blessing and a curse. My support deadline was now only a month away and I needed $4000.
Then two weeks in, I got the news that my grandfather was in the hospital and passing away. I was hurting for my family and feeling guilt for not being there. Then with what felt like out-of-the-blue,the man I thought I was going to marry, broke up with me. I spent a day in tears. I was questioning everything. A month ago God was romancing me and I believed I was the luckiest girl in the world. I believed I was being obedient and holding all aces for it. I was most proud!
Proverbs 16:18 Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall.
Sure it was easy to be in Love with the Lord and Trust Him the first 5 months. Especially, with all the encouraging supportive words my boyfriend sent me weekly. It was awesome to wake up each morning with joy feeling so blessed by God and my boyfriend. I continued to pray in Thankfulness. However, it was all afforded to me by a false sense of security. Worldly security! I didn't care whether I stayed on the race or went home (March) … my life was in Gods hands and it was going to be GREAT, either way! I figured another 5 months on the race or go home to the man I love, neither was a scary path. My hope and optimism was evenly split between the two paths. Sadly, I wasn't really committed to either. I was being careless with the precisious Gift of Gods love and leadership!
So, my relationship ended and I was still needing $3500. Now I was scared! I feared going home! I feared failing God and the race He called me too! I feared shame. I feared I had wasted my race because my heart was divided between God(world) and my boyfriend(home) Now I'm going home and have neither Gods approval or a boyfriend. What have I done?Last month I had two paths and now I had none. I felt like God blindfolded me. I had to remember the girl who was called to this race. I had to remember the reason I was on the race. I had to apologize to God and pray he would give me another chance (keep me on the race!)
God called me to the race to be with Him! It was to be Him and I alone. He was to be my prize and encourager. The gold at the end of the rainbow of life is eternity with Him. The medal at the end of this race is a secure independent relationship with Him. This was why I signed up for the race! I didn't sign up to trust, believe, or fall in love with anyone else. I had somewhat lost sight of this and having a boyfriend was like an insurance policy waiting for me at home, incase things didn't work out with God. Crazy, right?
"God's people are fearless and don't need a back up plan or insurance!" – Me
ANSWER!: You cry and pray it out to God! Then you put your big girl pants on… Because he is ready to move in big ways!
I cried my little heart out to God for a whole sabbath day … I journaled every negative "WHY" prayer I could think of to God. I even got as low as to say I was jealous of my grandfather because he was closer to being with God than I was. Then by that night God showed me what he was doing. It was a miracle! Literally by nightfall what felt like death to my future happiness became passionate life once again!
I spoke that night on Skype … First to my grandmother and this gave me peace to see her smile and know my family was okay. My grandfather would soon be the happiest he has ever been! Then I spoke to my best friend about my broken heart she shed new light on my mission and reminded me of the girl who signed up for the race. Then I talked to my mother who encouraged me that God was going to provide the needed support and I was staying on the race!
Then for the last two weeks I became a support raising machine … Driven by my love for God and passionately committed to the race. I wrote my "GOD CALLED ME TO FINSIH THE RACE" blog … I was God's girl again!
I belong completely to God … I am fearlessly alone and pursuing God and expecting that He alone will fill me up and together we will do great things! No matter what happens …I now know for sure that He is listening, loves me, and responds to my needs… immediately. I'm FEARLESS because I'm in the safest and happiest place I could be …. His Will (whatever that may be!) He blindfolded me and then I discovered a freedom in letting God surprise me!
The big ways God has surprised me so far ….
1. My grandfather painlessly went to be with God the next day. My grandmother and family are in His care and dealing well (with out me.)
2.Two weeks later, God showed His grace, when my support deadline hit. I had raised a total of $16,300. I was staying on the race and had enough to help another racer too!
3. I was able to forgive my boyfriend for my broken heart, thanked him for releasing me to God, and he is now my Godly Friend.
Fearlessly God's Girl,
Jessica xox
PS I also faced these fears … ice skating & Dracula's castle!
