I cried myself to sleep one night in Malawi. The night before our last full day in Monkey Bay. I went to bed crying and venting with God and woke up to watch the sunrise still crying on the beach.
Now you might assume I am crying because my heart is broken for the children I’ve grown to love over the last month. Or maybe because of all the spiritual bondage this community is under. Or the orphans and AIDS victims who have little to no care from anyone. There are numerous sad but true facts about Africa that could make a person cry, but that wasn’t it.
Perhaps you’d think I cried because I was homesick, which I was, but, nope, that wasn’t it either. You see, what had happened was, I had just finished taking pictures of the sunset and some children on the beach when I made a big mistake. I somehow pressed the wrong button and completely deleted my entire 4 GB memory card! All of my Malawi pictures, my safari pictures, and most of my Mozambique pictures were gone! I was devastated! Yeah, I can get other people’s pictures, but no one took the one’s I did! I had specific pictures for my blogs, for art projects, for my mother! And so I was so upset, I cried.
The next day, though, I started thinking about what makes me cry. The more I though about it, the more I got bothered by it. Thinking back over the years…most of the times I’ve cried have been for selfish, petty reasons. Like when the coach benched me in volleyball (let’s just say I cried a lot on my drives home from games that year). Or when I get jealous of my brothers and friends who are married with children and end up feeling sorry for myself and crying (yes, it happens!) Or perhaps the most petty of all…all the times I got less than an A on an exam or paper in school!
Perhaps the fact that these petty things make me cry wouldn’t bother me so much if I cried about bigger and more important issues as well. Sure, I’ve cried when my Grandpa died or when I got my heart broken, but once again…those things are about me! Honestly, I can’t remember the last time I really cried for someone else. I’ve been traveling in third world countries for over 7 months now. I have seen so many undernourished orphans and street kids. I’ve seen some crazy spiritual bondage like the kids with scars on their faces from disturbing voodoo rituals. I’ve seen children and adults alike begging on the streets of Asia. Or people pleading with you to buy their cheap products so they can try and feed their families. I’ve heard the stories about the prostitution and human-trafficking. All of this and so much more…but I haven’t shed a tear!
Oh, I’ve been upset and disturbed by the evil and wickedness in the world. I’ve questioned God about the injustices and whys and hows of it all, without getting any answers that solve the problems. But I haven’t cried for humanity…yet I’ve cried over lost pictures.
I don’t really know what I am to make of this all. Is God trying to teach me a lesson that in light of eternity my pictures don’t matter, that all that matters is Him and His work? Is He trying to wake me up to see what breaks His heart and makes Him cry? Or did I just hit the wrong button, end of story. I don’t know, but I do know that I want to have the eyes and heart of Jesus. I don’t want to focus on selfish and petty, insignificant issues. I want to store up my treasures in heaven and material things won’t make it to heaven! Lord, give me your heart!
