How I was called to the Mission Field

How I was called to the mission field :

Let me be honest with you. Honest with myself. Honest to God. I am a FAR cry from the perfect Christian. I rarely read the bible. Yes, I understand it is Gods word…but I just don’t get it. There are several Sundays I miss church and I have sinned. I have made it such a priority to be liked by others. I have designer clothes and expensive luxury items I don’t need. I would get frustrated with my moms advice of prayer for any problem.

But Mom…I don’t get it? How is praying going to pay my rent? How is praying going to soften the pain in my heart? I need answers….I need advice….HELP?!

Then my mom explained ” Jessica, Jesus wants you to be happy. Look how much he has provided for our family. If you don’t understand it, keep praying more. Pray until you do.”

So in March…the perfect life that I “provided for myself” still kept a hole in my heart. I was exhausted from work. I was stressed about coming up with my rent check. My heart was broken from a relationship I had invested so much time in. Plus, I was exhausted…always getting groups of friends to go out…just so I wouldn’t be alone.

I hung up the phone, went into my room….put on music….and prayed. 

And I kept praying.

On the subway, I would pray. Walking down the street…more prayer. Sobbing in my bed, praying and begging for answers.

Then a friend suggested I read the book “The shack.” Was this going to be another Christian book about how they live perfect lives and God provides? Telling me that what I was doing was wrong, and how could I veer so off course. No thanks, not interested.

So the book sat on my nightstand, while I was sitting there praying asking for answers. Then, one night…all my friends had plans. What was I supposed to do? So bored, I picked the book up.

As I read, I felt this weird sensation take over my heart. My eyes are literally welling up as I write this because just the memory of that feeling takes over my emotions. I felt joy…it this impossibly powerful way, and I couldn’t explain it. 

Tears fell down my face and kept flowing. I could barely breathe I was so consumed. I started reading the book on the subway, crying. The tears would NOT stop…I looked crazy, and I didn’t care!

Then I read “But don’t think that just because I’m not visible, our relationship has to be less real. It will be different, but perhaps even more real.” “How is that?” “My purpose from the beginning was to live in you and you in me.”

Since then…I have been driven to build that relationship. To let it develop, to make it REAL. I spoke to one of my friends and I just felt so unfufilled by the life I was living. God had given me this passion for writing, the gift to connect with others, the love and heart of a child, and a compassion for others that overwhelms me. Then, in a passing conversation…someone mentioned The World Race. I googled it and it was everything I could ever want and more. The chance to see the world. The beauty of everything created, and the pain of others that have lost hope. The chance to restore JOY in others. The chance to restore JOY in myself, to be changed…and seek out this relationship that I have been longing for.

TobyMac: