The past few days have felt like an unstoppable flood. The reality of God is more real to me than it has possibly ever been, and still the longing is as present as ever .
This month, my team didn't have a contact to join in South Africa. Each World Race team spends one month doing this crazy thing called ATL—“Ask the Lord,” which basically means we show up, find a place to stay, and start praying that God shows us what he wants us to do and where he wants us to go- on the same budget we usually live off of ($10/day for food, lodging, and transport).
We planned to stay in a hostel for no more than 5 nights because our lodging budget is $4/day and staying in a hostel cost about $10-12/night.
Well, on our 5th night at “Penthouse on Long,” my team and I ended up at a young adult small group gathering lead by an American missionary couple, Greg and Angie, who were connected to us by a friend of Julie's.
While we have become pretty comfortable at meeting new people, there was something unique about this encounter.
Maybe it was the cool South African accents, or our new surfer friend, Mandla, who walked in the room saying “siiiiiick brah.” Or maybe it was how Angie picked up 6 strangers in her 5 passenger car, and drove us to her house where she had prepared dinner for us before the gathering. Perhaps it was all of it.
I spent most of the evening talking to Greg, who is an amazing visionary with a heart for true discipleship.
Before I realized it, Raymond, an elder at the church, spoke up and said he was trying to arrange for a place for us to live. I guess my teammates must have told him we were about to be homeless.
World Racers can sleep just about anywhere. We mostly just look for a place that has running water and is safe enough to pitch our tents. But, we didn't end up in our tents. Instead, we were invited to stay with Raymond and his wife Lindsey, and their daughter Lacey.
We've spent the past 3 days being blown away by these people. I don't always give God the glory the deserves because I'm afraid of being that girl, but his provision here has been unmistakable. And the people he lead us to are incredible.
Raymond looks a lot lot this guy I know, and he acts a lot like him too. It's pretty interesting. He has so much to give, and has so much vision. His energy and hospitality are just really thick, and it impacts people.
It's overwhelming how much he and his wife Lindsey have given us. We didn't even know them 3 days ago, yet we are living in their home, they are inviting friends over to have Braai's for us (similar to an American barbeque), and they are taking time out of their lives to show us their favorite spots in Cape Town.
Lindsey took Julie to ride her horses on the beach front (a bucket list item for Julie). They have monkeys who eat marshmallows out of my hand and sit on my shoulder and sometimes on my head or in my shirt, and they ever have a fluffy cat named Geppetto.
It's all just crazy.
The mountains are amazing, the ocean is amazing, and the view of the ocean from the mountain Raymond hiked with us is overwhelming.
Last night, we watched rugby with our news friends and then had an improptu worship sesh, and it was an anointed time. I can't explain it fully, but it was just unique.
The past few days have included so much love, so much hospitality, and so much provisio, it makes my heart beat fast.
Last night we went to church and Greg spoke about being pure at heart— “Blessed are those who are pure of heart, for they will see God.”
I honestly barely remember what he said about being pure of heart or what it meant. I just remember feeling super overwhelmed. It was like Jesus was talking. I kept hearing things in my head about not being able to be pure, and then the longing in my heart lies to me that I will never know God.
Maybe I'm not pure of heart.
But the love behind Greg's words were reminding me that Jesus' love isn't based on my ability to be righteous or pure. He even talked about how behavior modification doesn't work.
I want so much to love people like Greg does.
As I had this thought, it was like God was telling me that I do love people like that, genuinely— but I don't expect people to love me like that, and I don't allow myself to be loved by God like that, not really.
I get indignant for the church not loving the outcast sinners (aka: the really bad ones), because I'm mad that the people in church never really loved me as a sinner.
This is clearly a wound for me, but in this moment, I think God used Greg to stand in the gap for all the church people who taught me performance and self-righteousness would make me lovable and acceptable.
He was standing in front of me saying, “Stop performing. It doesn't work. It doesn't make your heart pure, and it doesn't help you know God. It's cheap imitation. It's not Christ centered. Oh, and your mess is ok, because it's not about purifying yourself, or acting righteously.”
At some point, the words Greg spoke stopped and I felt like God was talking…
“I'm not judging your behavior. I'm looking at your heart-really. And even though you fight it, your heart is like mine in a lot of ways. You love people like I do. Just let me love you like that too.”
So, I'm sitting in this evening church service in South Africa, with about 5 people I've known for 2 days, and about 30 who I've never spoken to, and every other word coming out of Greg's mouth is bringing me to tears. And it's not one of those cool evening services with dim lighting. The lights were bright.
I was tempted to go to the bathroom and stop the uncontrollable tears, but I didn't really want to stop. I mean, I don't love crying in front of a large group of people, but something in me knew I needed to let it happen.
At the end of the message, Greg lead us in communion. I'm not sure communion has ever impacted me so much.
It was as though in one instance I experienced both an awareness of my genuine need for God and an awareness of God's genuine unconditional love for me. And I can't explain it, but I actually felt undeserving of the freeness of his love in that moment, while also feeling like he wanted to give it to me anyway.
Now that I'm typing this, I think that's the actual gospel message, but I've never really known it or experienced it like that before.
All of the ways I know my heart is impure were being impressed on my heart and mind, and I felt some sort of shame. I even thought to myself, I don't know how to be better. And I don't. But it was as though the instant that thought entered my mind, God reminded my mind and heart that he didn't love me because I know how to be pure or righteous.
I don't know why I need God so much. I don't know why the feeling of that need isn't fully quenched. I don't know why in that moment that such intense sorrow felt like joy that I wanted to sit in as long as possible. But I hope I remember it.
I talked to one of my new friends here today. His story is remarkable and full of hardship and God moments, but I wondered if it was hard for him to remember the God moments when hardship came up again, so, I asked.
His answer sort of surprised me. He said that remembering nothing can stop him from knowing God is all that will work in those moments. He has tried everything else, and he knows God is it.
I thought of Job when he talked. Satan didn't believe Job would have faith if he lost everything, but God knew otherwise. I certainly don't wish for my new friend to have a Job story, but his faith is comparable.
I hope I can remember to have faith, because I think I've had God moments before, but the awareness of evil in the world made me forget, or made me discount the God moments.
So, I fear I'll forget this story too… or that I'll discount it when I'm feeling more intellectual or more indignant about injustice in this world.
But I hope I don't.
Fundraising update: Need $3,750 by July 1st to be fully funded
