I LOVE my team, and would likely walk through fire for any of them. It’s sort of ridiculous how much I care about people I’ve only known for about two weeks. Granted, I've spent more time with these people in two weeks than I’ve spent with some of my friends who I’ve known for two years.
The amazing ladies of Team Doulous, after being beautifuly attacked with facepaint by 20+ ecuadorian children
My team and Ministry contacts for the month in Old Town Quito
When I get the chance to, I love rather fiercely. When you first meet me, I seem logical and objective, and not very moved by feelings- WRONG! When it comes to people and relationships, I am so full of emotions. It’s a strength and a weakness, really.
By the Lord’s grace, I often empathize with people in their most difficult seasons, and am frequently a safe place for people in their brokenness. I actually feel most alive when I get to serve others in this way. I find so much beauty in the authenticity of brokenness, and feel honored when I get to be a part of someone’s journey in that way.
Oddly enough, I’m not all that comfortable with my own brokenness.
A few weeks ago I would have told you otherwise. I would have said I was so excited to go on the World Race and be broken for the things that breaks the Lord’s heart- the broken hearted, the poor, the needy, the abused, the abandoned. And that is still true.
Let me explain.
I can be broken for you, but I don’t want to break. I want to be strong.
What I really want is not to be hurt. I want to be independent, self-reliant, perfect.
What is that? Why can I see the beauty in your brokenness, but not in my own?
A few days ago, one of my amazing and courageous teammates confronted me with some difficult truth about myself. I had been begging my team to give me constructive feedback (a process we have every night in order to maintain healthy community, and encourage interpersonal growth), but the truth is, I was not ready for what she shared. As someone very opposite of me, my new friend and sister in Christ saw things in me I would never have noticed on my own, and I did not want to receive what she had to say.
My M.O. (mode of operation) is to tear down anyone who offends me. Charming, I know. Fortunately, I can’t get away from my team for about 10 ½ more months, so even in the discomfort of shame and conviction, I knew that was a bad idea.
So what happened? I internalized my teammates feedback. I sobbed for about 12 hours. I journaled. I talked to the Lord.
In his graciousness, The Lord reminded me of his unconditional love for me while also showing me the truth in what my teammate boldly shared with me.
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In Galatians 3, Paul reminds the people of Galatia how foolish they are to continue trying to be justified by what they do rather than by the promise that is in Jesus. He reminds them that righteousness CANNOT be attained by doing the right things.
This is not news to me. I can preach grace until I’m blue in the face. Yet, when I’m not perfect, I feel useless and full of shame. What do you think that indicates? Well, that’s what I’ve been asking myself.
I preach the gospel of grace in Jesus, but rather than live as someone who was deemed worthy the moment Jesus sacrificed his life for me on the cross, I fervently pursue perfection and affirmation from others in order to feel worthy.
The truth is, I am already deemed worthy. So are you. Jesus died a criminal’s death to pay the penalty for me (and for you)- he didn’t do that just to be nice, or because he thought we would be too lazy to choose to honor the Lord rather than live in our own flesh.
Jesus sacrificed himself because in his divinity, He knew I could never attain righteousness in my own flesh.
I can’t do it.
So my only option now is humility. The idea of attaining humility is sort of ironic, because it seems prideful. But I think this is where the Lord wants me to start. By realizing that I am worthy ONLY because of Jesus. That’s it.
Not because I love people well.
Not because of the things I’m good at.
Not because of what I look like.
Not because of me.
Only because of Jesus
