Who knows to what degree God will change a person until He actually does it? Who knows until He actually reaches deep inside you and grabs ahold of what shouldn’t be there? Who knows what God will do until He puts His hand on your shoulder and tells you, “its going to be ok. It will be uncomfortable, but just let me do what I do and you’ll see how good it will be in the end.”
I didn’t know. I didn’t know how difficult it would be. I didn’t grasp what change was needed in me. I didn’t know how He would change me or what people He would use to do so. I just didn’t know.
Some people feel closest to God in the Bible. For some, it’s prayer. They love to pray and make conversation with God. For others, its conversations concerning the Bible. I feel closest to God when I’m listening to music. Hillsong; Kim Walker; Selah, etc… If I could have a permanent set of headphones built into my ears playing my top Christian music all the time, I would. I don’t have the best voice; nor can I play any song on any instrument other than “Mary had a little lamb” on the piano, but I would listen to music all day if I could. This is my way of feeling close to God. This is how I hear Him and when my prayers are the fullest-the most sincere. This is how I see what needs to be changed in myself; when God speaks to me and lets me know that I can get through anything; that I have the strength to move forward another day. This is how I make it through any chiseling of my soul that needs to be done.
This month in Moldova, my team has done quite a bit of discussing about what we believe and why we believe it. We’ve spent time discussing who we are, how we became that person, and who we need to be; who God wants us to be.
Who am I really?
Four months ago, I was a young man, eager to please; afraid to offend; turning opinion into truth in my mind. I thought myself unequal to others and I was filled with hate for myself.
Today is what matters though. Today and the future-not the past. Not who I used to be. Today, I’m a young man learning about myself; learning why I do what I do; learning why I love the way I love; why I believe what I believe; a young man with a voice equal to all others. I’m a young man learning to replace the hate for myself with love.
Christy Nockels has a song you might know: Healing Is In Your Hands. She sings it beautifully. When I listen to it, I see how powerful God is. I see how much He loves and cares about me. I see that healing isn’t just for others, but is extended to me as well. I see that only by Him do I live-and because of that, I want more life! She sings, “our past is in your hands.” One thing that has held me back is my past. Where I came from; where I’ve been and what I’m now known as, to some. Its something I’m burdened down by but its also something I’ve just gotta let Him do what He’s been asking me to do-let Him take it and get rid of it. Let Him take that burden from me and replace it with something inexplicable. I don’t know what it is. Love? Grace? It’s some form of comfort. It’s something that I alone am not capable of producing. Not without Him.
How great is our God?
How great is our God that He loves us enough to want to make us better people! How great is He that He remains patient with us and continues to work with us! Its amazing and mind-blowing at the same time. How many times do we stumble? How many times we give in to sin? Its crazy how God can’t look on sin, but if we think about it-how many times do we give in to our own desires and the whole time, He’s right there waiting for us to take His hand so we can stand again.
I know that I stumble all the time and I feel like this trip has been nothing but stumbling and falling. I also know that I carry God inside and I want the change and when I fall down I get back up and I’m ready for more. I know that I want God to mold me into the person that HE wants me to be and not the person that I want to be. The person I see somewhere down the road may not be the person God wants me to be.
This is what this trip is about for me. This is what this blog is about. This is what my life is about: forgetting who I used to be and allowing God to change me into who He wants me to be. Not only me, but you as well. Allowing God to change us. Putting down our weapons of defense and knowing that the change God has for us is good and right and true and wanting it; wanting to be uncomfortable before Him because when we’re comfortable with God, something isn’t right. Change can’t happen if we’re comfortable with God. It can’t happen if our lives are easy and we’re content to live every day the way we want to live. It has to be difficult and uncomfortable, otherwise, there is no growth. And that’s what I want for all of you. And that’s all there is to say about that!
