True self. What exactly is that?
I want to start by sharing more about myself, and who I’ve learned I really am over the last 4 months as an ENFP, extraversion, intuition, feeling, perception. This is my personality type.
Picture an SUV with a driver, a passenger, and two passengers in the back seat, we call them the 10-year-old and 3-year-old backseat drivers. My driver, my strength, is extroverted intuition. I am an explorer and my senses are extroverted. I do things without planning, go with the flow, I’m out the door flying by the seat of my pants as my sweet mother would say. I tend to press into my gut feelings in an extroverted way. My co-pilot, what I need to grow in, is authenticity or introverted feeling, which means being able to process how I internally feel and actually addressing it.
When I’m processing in an unhealthy manner I resort to my 10-year-old which is effectiveness or extroverted thinking. I quickly switch into effective mode and instead of expressing myself I’ll say, “not it’s fine. I’m good,” in order to get past the moment and avoid addressing my feelings. When I’m faced with feelings of stress or anxiety, I resort to my 3-year-old back seat driver which is introverted sensing or memory. My mind quickly resorts to things that have happened in the past and the end outcome is always bad. I lose hope, spiral out, and often exclude myself from everyone; “It’s pointless. Don’t help me, don’t worry about it.” I’m alone.
You can’t grow in your 10-year-old or your 3-year-old, but you can use them efficiently. The 10-year-old can be used for play. One of my favorite things to do is play soccer or a pick-up game of basketball. The goal is to not keep score. Still having fun, there’s an objective, but it’s not the effective sense of trying to over accomplish something or become over competitive. To use my 3-year-old in a healthy way in rest would be to remind myself of memories that bring me good feelings. Reminiscing on traditions with the family, going back to the places I went to as a kid, or watching a favorite childhood movie.
According to the enneagram test I rank as a number 7. We are enthusiastic about almost everything that catches our attention. We approach life with curiosity, optimism and adventure. Our minds move rapidly from one idea to the next, (mom if you’re reading this I hope you’re laughing.) However, we’re not very strong in coping with anxiety. First, we try to keep our minds as busy as possible. As long as we can keep our minds occupied, whether it’s a project I’m working on or an idea for the future, it keeps anxiety or negative feelings away from us for as long as possible. Second, we are on the constant go, moving from one interest to the next searching for more to fulfill us. Key word, distractions.
The idea of false selves comes from the book Scary Close by Donald Miller. Imagine a diagram with three circles. The inside circle represents the true self, the way God designed us. The second circle is our shame, which is the result of sin. The third circle, the outer layer, is our false self, which we create on our own in order to cover the shame. For me, a few examples are I live to be outgoing, well engaged, strong, people-pleaser, performer, athletic, and creative. These are things that make me lovable or needed. What’s important is these attributes should not be seen as bad, but they can become unhealthy when I start putting my identity and worth into them.
I want to strip away those desires. The desire to be needed through what I am capable of doing. The desire to be seen because of the gifts the Lord has given me. The desire for affirmation through how well I perform, create, or engage.
I’m not always strong. Admitting this for the first time to myself, I’m actually very sensitive. I want to be seen as authentic in my emotions, able to express how I’m feeling. I can’t hold it all together all the time. I get incredibly overwhelmed and anxious when I feel the work I put together defines who I am as a person. I don’t give myself nearly enough grace. I’m outgoing, but it’s actually exhausts me. I’ve learned to crave alone time. I actually hear Jesus when I’m quiet and still in his presence. Being around people all the time brings overwhelms me. I exercise to sharpen my mind, but have let it consume me in a way that I want others to see discipline and obedience in an external way, so they won’t question my discipline when it comes to internally and spiritually with the Lord. It’s a mask I’ve been wearing for most of my life and I want to strip it away and step into who God created me to be. I listened to a sermon by Matt Reynolds from Grace Midtown Church where he says so perfectly and beautifully, which completely wrecked me; “we find our true self by seeking God. If we don’t see that person, or uncover and live into that reality of our true self, there is a part of God that goes unrevealed to the world.”
My false self has exposed a lot of insecurities in my life and has caused me to fall short and fail within my friendships and relationships. The Lord has retaught my patience in discipline after I’ve continuously failed in this arena. He’s pealing the layers of my false self, and exposing his true self within me. I came to a place of what understanding what I truly desire from the Father, but instead chose the quicker, more tangible and faster fulfillment instead of waiting on Him. In Part 3, I’m opening up to all that he’s taught me and revealed to be about who I am in perfect reflection of who He is and how I’ve been able to walk in confession, obedience, and freedom with Jesus.
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Matthew 13:19- “When anyone hears the message about the Kingdom and does not understand it, the evil one comes and snatches away what is sown in his heart.”
The greek word used for understand in this verse is suniemi: which means “learning which takes place through the five senses,” “doing; practical human experience.”
Revelation is only part of it, experience is what takes us to the fullness of what God intends for us to experience.
