Last month in Vietnam was an incredibly difficult month for me, spiritually and emotionally. If I could describe my month there I would say, relationally it was overflowing, but in every other aspect of my life where it truly matters, my tanks were empty. I poured myself into the friends and relationships I was developing with the locals. Working hard at pursuing them, staying consistent in making plans, spending my time with them in order to gain their trust at at opportunity to share the gospel with them.
It’s ironic to me now, that I was spending so much time with these students in hopes that I would be able to share with them the Jesus I love and serve, but have been completely neglecting and avoiding. How does that work? I don’t know him. How can I introduce a friend to someone I barely know?
For my entire life, I’ve led myself to believe that in order to be completely full I need to be around people. Nothing fills my tank more than community, relationships, friendships, and family. By believing this to be who I truly was, my life was constantly full of noise, unable to truly hear the Lord’s voice. In times when I thought I was pressing in, I had my phone face up next to me, and music playing in the background; noise. Reading the bible, I wanted to have conversation along with doing devotions because I always thought I learn much better if I have someone to talk about it with; noise. Month 2 in Nepal, I was challenged by my team to focus on truly slowing down in my every day routines, including time with the Lord. Making room for silence and practicing being still. Silence and stillness are two things I’ve never practiced in my life.
The way I approached this was by sitting in a coffee shop, music in my ears, hustle and bustle around me, my phone on, face up and my bible open. I went back to the ways that didn’t work for me to begin with. Had I learned nothing? I never allowed the Lord to teach me new ways. I didn’t allow myself to try something new when it came to communicating with the Father. I ended up spending zero time with Jesus and all my time with Instagram. By the end of Vietnam I was emotionally and spiritually drained and I had nothing left in me.
Travel day arrived, I’m standing at customs about to cross into Cambodia and one of my squad leaders approaches me and asks if I’ve fasted music yet. We talked about it back in India, month one, and it was something I wasn’t really interest in. I felt now, month four, could not be more of an appropriate month to do so. Honestly, there was a small sense of desperation in my heart, an ache in my soul to commit to anything that could possibly draw me closer to Jesus. I committed hard and quick and once I stepped over the boarder, I closed out Spotify, tucked away my headphones and began the fast. I have learned in it’s absolute fullest that fasting allows you to see clearly what controls you.
Music was the last thing I ever imagined was an actual barrier in my relationship with Jesus. By not having it this month I was able to recognize times I would choose to plug in to escape whenever conviction was setting in. The Lord has revealed himself to me in so many ways, I have experienced revelations from Him in a way I didn’t know was possible or ways I doubted I personally would ever be able to experience. I’ve been still, I’ve sat quietly in his presence, literally quietly since I don’t have music and all. I’ve pressed into his truth, I’ve studied His word in the Hebrew language and he’s spoken to me oh so clearly. I’ve stared sin in the face and confessed my faults and he’s embraced me. Relationships take time, how many times have you heard that before?
Give your weight to the Lord, all of your weight. The Hebrew word for weight is kabowd, which means glory and honor. Give Him all your weight. Give Him all your glory and all of your honor. It’s not only about the weight of your burdens, but the weight of your praise that’s just as important.
I want to explain here that this blog is an introduction into what the Lord has taught me over the course of these past 4 months. I want you to know that I had a hard month in Vietnam. It wasn’t overnight that I began experiencing real revelation from Jesus. I neglected my time with the Father, but I soon found my niche, ways in which He really communicates with me, ways I am going to share. This is an incredible journey we are all on, and I am just tapping into what He has for me and it’s absolutely blowing my mind.
