Psalm 51:17 My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart you, God, will not despise.
It’s hard to believe I’ve already left India and begun my time in Nepal for the month of November. At first, a month sounds like a long time, but when you immerse yourself into the community, the culture, the people…a month is not nearly enough time. I’ve spent the past few days reflecting on all I’ve learned, worked through, and experienced with Jesus in the past 3 and a half weeks. It’s an overwhelming thought, but in a good way because He has done so much in so little time.
Watching my brothers and sisters in Christ walk in obedience, grow closer to the Father, love each other even when we’re sometimes hard to love, share deeps parts of our hearts with each other, laugh together, cry together, and work as a unified body of Christ, are true testaments to how the Lord intended community to be.
It’s been an emotional month of learning how to walk in forgiveness, obedience, vulnerability and discovering my true identity in Christ. I’m earnestly seeking to understand how the Lord satisfies me and how to focus more tentatively on my growths and not my deficits. All of these are still actively being walked out, and with His strength alone, none of this is my doing, but only my willingness to let go, unclench my fists, and follow His leading to be vulnerable and fully exposed. These things are far from mastered and I have continued to fail and fall on my face, but my relationship with the Lord has been strengthened, my ability to discern His voice apart from mine has been sharpened, and my awareness is far quicker. My squad leader, Ashley Miller, imparted some real wisdom to me the other day: you can measure the level of closeness with the Lord based on the time between conviction and repentance. I really spent a lot of time thinking about this and to go even deeper as I’ve learned for me personally, it starts with awareness, followed by knowing it to be feelings of conviction instead of allowing it to manifest into shame. Then follows repentance to the Father, then, hardest part for me, allowing yourself to receive forgiveness.
It’s not easy, but it’s far more exhausting and draining to pretend like everything is okay and to put on a fake face. This process for me is taking time. We have to understand we are human, we fail, time and time again, but there’s grace, forgiveness, and the Lord wants to set you free. I’m learning that what I thought I was done with and had moved past, is still there. However, the struggle may remain the same, but the way in which I work through it has radically changed. As I said earlier, the level of closeness I’m experiencing with the Father is far deeper because the time between conviction and repentance is quicker. I’ve tasted and seen freedom, and I know what comes from walking in vulnerability and obedience and believe me when I say, it is worth it.
There is so much more I could say, and so much I want to say but some things are hard to put into words when you’re still in the midst of processing yourself. Vulnerability is hard, walking in obedience can be even harder and sometimes that means standing up in front of 60 people and sharing the depths of your heart that you never thought you’d share with even one person. There’s more I will share about that story…*cliffhanger*
I’ve learned it’s a blessing to be broken for Jesus. He’s not in the business of fixing, but renewing. I don’t have to do anything. I don’t have to perform, I don’t have to be my absolute best, I don’t have to try to say all the right things. It’s in your weakest and most exposed moments that the Father is most present. Allow yourself to feel the gravity of what it means to be truly broken, then allow the Holy Spirit to take up residence in your heart, fill the voids of shame and brokenness and allow him to renew.
I can’t express my gratitude and love for my family, my friends, and my brothers and sisters in Christ who have continued to pray for me, support me, and extend grace and love to me in this time. It’s been challenging and it brings me such comfort to know the amount of support I have.
*stay posted for three videos I’ll be posting over the next week. Prayers for strong wifi.
