“And I’ll build a home, for me, for you…” -the Cinematic Orchestra
Place:
Just learning things on the World Race and thought I would share them. So I’m currently sitting at a kitchen table, sipping tea. It’s one of those “let’s sit and share our heart” cups of tea. So, here I am.
People:
Just me. Bethany is in the kitchen making cookies. Kelvin is at the table too, studying biology.
Process:
I’ll start with some context:
So, my relationships with guys have been all over the place. (Hang in there, this isn’t about guys, I promise!) Growing up, my two brothers friends were always my friends. We would play with the Thompson boys down the road until the sun went down. I still have scarred up knees from various sports or that time I fell off the roof because I tried to repel off it trying to be like the guys in that movie. I’d say that I spent a good portion of my childhood being like one of the guys.
After going away to college and living on a floor with about 100 other ladies, I started to change. Being a girly girl was fun! I think it took a month after coming home from Pensacola for me to actually stop wearing a skirt every day.
Ok so, fast-forward a few years- to the end of that bad relationship: you know, the one where you think ‘he’s the one’ and then things end up heading south pretty quickly and it changes your prospective on everything you once imagined would be… I suppose I turned into one of those ‘bitter.anti.men’ chicks who were all about the empowerment of women without any assistance from men because they just break hearts anyway. You know the movie, Snow White and the Huntsmen, yeah, don’t worry, I wasn’t as man-hater crazy as her. Because I still have an amazing dad and two freakin’ amazing brothers who remind me that not all guys are wicked-heartbreakers… Bear with me… So in the months prior to the race, ‘crushes’ came and went but, I was still in the mindset that I could do anything as a woman and not even need a guy… flawed theology of course! And pretty unhealthy.
Context over and fast-forward to current: (I pray you are not severely confused!)
Naturally, I thought that coming on the race I would be empowered by the group of women I serve with to empower other women to be all about women. And even though I have been serving alongside women, doing ministry and absolutely loving it; since month one, God is breaking me and my flawed ideals of relationships.
In The Philippines, God revealed His love to me in insane ways. In His love, He reminded me, “I am a woman of knowledge, and a woman who desires to serve Him wholeheartedly. But in my bitterness from failed relationships, I was lacking the ability to love my brothers in Christ accurately.” To have all the knowledge of healthy relationships and knowledge to respect brothers as Godly men but to live contrary, that is foolish.
God has officially captured my heart to the subject. In order to move forward, I needed to look behind me and deal with some junk. And… here I am.
All that to say: I’m learning a lot! Ha! I’m not a complete ‘guys’ girl, I’m not a complete ‘girly girl’ and I am certainly not a ‘man-hater’… I’m me. I’m a woman who appreciates men and appreciates her role; as well as knows it.
In this season of my life, God has completely ‘rebirthed’- if you will, my lost desire to be a wife and mother. Yeah, it only took traveling half way around the world for God to truly break me of my stubborn, foolish self.
I’m in Zambia. Far from home, half way done with a life changing mission’s trip most people dream of- Like, “God, what an interesting time to restore the motherhood passion I thought was lost??”
I believe one day, I’ll look back and read this blog and first I will think, “Shoot, I really write a lot and maybe I should keep those thoughts to myself more…” But then I will think what a sweet time I had with the Lord. To know I desired a home but to acknowledge as a woman, my first job was to build a home. Not in a “secure land, clear land, dig, construct” type build; but to build that home inside of me. My job is to grow in wisdom and knowledge (and probably in being grammatically correct also!) and challenge others around me to do the same. Honestly, whether or not my ‘dreams’ will come true, my job is to bring glory and honor to God through my life and actions.
In conclusion, yeah I’m preparing me to be that Godly, God-fearing wife and mother I dream of being. But even more supremely, I am daily building a home and a dwelling place for the Holy Spirit. And I must admit, it’s going better than I could have ever imagined.
Prayer:
– Hey prayer warriors! Thank you for praying for this journey for the people we encounter and for our squad. Could I ask a favor? Could you spend some time praying this week for the women you walk alongside. Sisters, mothers, daughters, granddaughters, cousins, missionaries, aunts, grandmothers… their role in discipleship, in providing wisdom and in being women of honor and integrity is crucial in society and in bringing Kingdom to earth.
– Could you also pray for the men you encounter? Their role in discipleship, in providing wisdom and in being men of honor and integrity is crucial in society and in bringing Kingdom to earth.
