TLet me set the stage:
Month three had come to and end; Mozambique, Malawi, Zambia- it was time to leave Africa and head to Asia! We had two flights: one from Zambia to Dubai and then another from Dubai to the Philippines. Both flights were about 8 hours long. Also, another time change- 6 hours ahead of Zambia, which means 12 hours ahead of home in Pennsylvania.
I want this blog to be a sort of “behind the scenes” look into my prayer journal. So, it was on one of those flights that I journaled this prayer:
“God, I don’t know why I can’t understand You.
I am frustrated that I can’t believe fully in all that You are. I’m mad at myself for my inability to surrender all to You. Especially when I can feel the longing in my soul- pulling me like a universe-strong magnet towards You.
I am at a loss as to why I allow myself to remain suffocated by lies and fears and doubts instead of living in the care-free freedom that You extend to me. Lord Jesus, why can’t I hear You- why can’t I recognize the presence of the Holy Spirit and acknowledge the voice of my Father?
I cry out- on my hands and knees- asking, begging to enter into, not only your throne room of grace to have a solitary conversation, but into intimate, real, substantial, deep, wide, high, dense relationship with You- the only one who knows me and forms me.
Yahweh, Father, Abba, Spirit- I lay me down- asking to be with You.
I more than desperately need to have the courage to trust You. You say that perfect love casts out fear- and that You are both perfect and love- so Lord Jesus, dwell in my heart- come into my life and make me pure before our Father that I may be seen/counted as righteous and worthy as a daughter of God.
Forgive me of all that has separated me from You- all that the curtain must keep out, and draw near to me as I try to draw near to You in the only ways my limited, finite mind knows how. Open my ears, eyes, nose, tongue, fingers- let all my nerves and senses be sensitive to Your heart.
God, I desire wisdom like Solomon and faith like David and hope like Mary and boldness like Paul.
But I can’t.
I need You- because You can.
I believe in Jesus Christ as the Lord and Savior of my life.
His blood has washed me pure and forgiven my sins- past and future- so that I am presented righteous before the Father.
I want to know God- Father, Son and Holy Spirit.
I welcome and invite the Holy Spirit into my mind, body and spirit so that I may do His work and love God, myself and all people as God first loved me and as Christ Jesus loves the church.
I accept the gift of freedom because it is for freedom that Christ set me free.
I proclaim victory over sin, lies from the devil, fears, insecurities, and anything that separates me from God.
I will live in the Truth of the One True God.”
God has been faithful. I have since started a devotional called “The Art of Listening Prayer” by Seth Barnes, which has been teaching me how to listen for the still, small voice of our God. I have been spending many moments resting in God’s promises. I often find myself practicing, “be still and know I am God.” Those words have been so powerful as I step into my position as a beloved daughter of the King.
