Do you ever have those seasons in life where you just want everything to slow down? I’m going through one of those. I think if the figurative season became a literal one, it would be fall. The rush of spring preparations and non-stop summer activities ease into a beautiful orchestra of falling leaves and crisp mornings with frost on the windshield. I could use a taste of fall right now.
Being on the World Race often sounds glorious to those reading our blogs. Admittedly, we often put the most glorious stories up. You don’t want to hear about the days we just want to throw in the towell and head home. That’s not the right “I’m happy all the time because Jesus loves me” attitude now is it? Right or wrong, it’s real… and honest… and normal.
Before I left for this trip my friend Dan asked me what I feared most about it. I replied, “That people will truly know me and see me for who I am.” I was afraid of that because I know, better than anyone, how ugly I can get. I can get downright mean sometimes! Most often it’s reactionary or because of my insecurities, but nontheless, true. My team has seen that this year. I’ve snapped at them, put myself before them, with-held love from them, hidden from them and have made a fool of myself in front of them. And for some reason that I can’t understand, they haven’t give up on me. Don’t you ever feel like that? When you’ve been a complete jerk to those you love the most, they should just give up and walk away right? That’s what I feel I deserve. But instead, I wake up the next morning and they still talk to me. I don’t get it, but I guess that’s grace right?
If you can’t tell, I’m in the middle of this “mud puddle” right now. I’ve jumped in and threw a fit, which has caused some mucky water to splash on those closest to me. And instead of just pulling myself together and stepping out of the puddle, I keep splashing. I hate it when I screw up, realize I’m screwing up, then keep on screwing up. Does that fall under ‘Murphy’s Law?’ Or maybe it just falls under Paul’s lament in Romans,
“I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want,
but I do the very thing I hate.”
And I’m going to continue to be honest here. Harder than admitting that the way I’ve been acting is foolish, is accepting the forgiveness and love from those I’ve wronged! How silly and backwards that is! Yet, once again, true. I don’t deserve it, I know. I want to deserve it though… just like I want to earn God’s love. I want to somehow be in the driver’s seat of my faith, but I’m not. Instead the Driver knows exactly where He is going and how He’s going to take me there. And He really doesn’t care that I keep messing up. I think He probably thinks it’s funny at times. So, I’ll just stick my arm out the window and make wave motions with it as the wind blows through my hair on this cool, fall day.
What did this blog have to do with fall? Nothing. It was a great opener, but I don’t know how to close it.
Ah well. Grace.
