I was born in the small town of China Grove, NC. I grew up there with my mom, dad, and older sister. We lived in a small house surrounded by the rest of my extended family on the same area of land (not uncommon in the south). Growing up, I was very close to my family…we did everything together! Every morning my sister, six cousins, and I would walk over to my grandparent’s house. There, they would cook us breakfast and wait with us by the road for the school bus to come pick us up. Some of my favorite childhood memories were made at that bus stop with my grandpa holding his umbrella to shield us from the rain and waving goodbye to us as we made our way to school.
My Family on Christmas Morning 2010
Like many people in the Bible belt, I grew up in a Christian family. We regularly attended our local Lutheran Church and were a very active part in all of the activities they had to offer. I grew up loving church and the people there, but I never really understood the message and significance of Christ. When I entered high school christianity quickly became about looking like a good person on the outside, and having your act together. I regularly attended church, was an active member in my church’s youth group, and said all the right things to make others believe that I indeed was following Christ. The truth was, on the inside I was a mess; struggling with depression, trying so hard to find my value in what my boyfriend and friends said or thought of me, and I had no idea what it truly meant to be in a relationship with Jesus. I had my whole life mapped out…I wanted to go to college, graduate with a degree in Occupational Therapy, get married, and begin living the American Dream (handsome husband, cute kids, big house, nice car, great job, and people envying me for the things I had)! My plan had nothing to do with God.
Right after graduating high school a very close friend of mine was tragically killed in a car accident. His name was Michael Williams, and he was one of the first best friends I had made upon entering high school. His death was the first experience I had losing someone close to me and I had no idea how to healthily deal with this tragedy. I quickly began to turn to any other means to numb the pain of my hurting heart.
So here I was… a lost, hurting 18 year old girl about to leave my family and head to college. I cried like a baby as my mom and dad left me there to start my first semester at Lenoir Rhyne College. Looking back at it now, it seems so silly considering I was only an hour from home, but at the time I hadn’t been away from my family for more than a week at a time. I felt so lonely there; away from my boyfriend and the people I loved, and I was still trying to grasp the reality of losing one of my best friends. Needless to say, my world was rocked! Unsure of how to handle the things I was experiencing I quickly began to turn to a world of promiscuity. I loved the attention it brought and I loved even more having control over something in my life. Little did I know that the very thing I thought made me feel so alive and loved, was deadening me inside and separating me from the greatest love I could ever know. I became so lost in a world of sexual addiction that it seemed impossible to find my way out. I felt abandoned in this small school; I was without friends, family, or anyone who really knew what was going on inside my confused heart. All of the girls I had become friends with at the start of college were now wanting little to do with me because of the reputation I had and my family back home had no idea of the person I had become.
Campus Crusade Friends
I soon met “T” who led worship with a campus ministry called Campus Crusade for Christ. We instantly became best friends and he invited me weekly to the Cru meetings. I started to inconsistently attend the campus crusade meetings, but always felt so guilty while I was sitting there listening to these people proclaim their love for Christ while I sat in so much sin. For me it felt so much more comfortable to sit in the sin than it did to confess the sin and try to change. “T” worked hard to change my destructive thought pattern and never stopped pursuing me to go to the meetings, he was relentless. By the time my sophomore year rolled around even more heart break enter into my life. I broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years (whom I had spent the whole 1st year of college cheating on), my family was angry with me (probably because they could see the road of destruction I was headed down), and I found out that my dearly loved grandfather had terminal cancer. As the struggles piled on top of each other, I helplessly tried to manage all of them on my own, failing miserably!
Relief only seemed to come in the form of attending the weekly crusade meetings that “T” continuously kept inviting me to. There was something so different about the people I encountered there. They loved me where I was, without needing or asking me to change. They seemed to genuinely care about my life and the struggles I was facing. There were people like Kitty Calvert (on staff with crusade) that would talk with me after the meetings and make me feel so loved. It blew my mind how these people who barely knew me could show me so much love to me when I was stuck in so much sin. It was through “T”, Kitty, and the other the campus crusade students and staff, that I caught my first glimpse of what Christ’s love is like. Being loved because of who I was instead of what I could offer or what I had done. Such a beautiful, undeserving, selfless love!! This love soon inspired me to quit living my life for myself and start living my life for the only thing that was worthy of living for….CHRIST!!!
I spent the next three years of college striving to become more like a woman that reflected Christ. I began attending and leading bible studies, became an active participant in campus crusade and even started dating “T” the very guy that play such a huge role in bringing me to Christ. Now that my life had been transformed by Christ it seemed to be going so much better….circumstances were going my way.
Me and my 3 Best Friends from College (KKMJ)
My relationship with “T” lasted for almost 3 years. He meant so much to me. He was my best friend, boyfriend, and the person that God used to introduce me to Himself. AND THEN…the day that every girl dreams and anticipates happening…T asked me to marry him! Life seemed to be going so well surface level. I had graduated from college, had an amazing job working as an occupational therapist in the school system, and I was about to marry my best friend. Anyone who would take a brief look at me would think that I had it all! But when you began to dig deeper you could still see all the hurt that I continued to push aside. The hurt that I never fully surrendered to God from my past. Hurt from unhealthy and impure relationships, hurt from lost loved ones, and hurt from the co-dependency of relying on another human to be my everything. Less than 2 months (March of 2010) after our engagement, “T” called off the wedding and broke up with me. I can honestly say I have never felt my heart break more than the way it did on that day. It seemed like my life’s hopes, plans and dreams had been ripped away and I had no idea if I would ever get them back.
The last year of my life has been spent totally surrendering that broken heart to the Lord in full faith that He has come to bind up the broken hearted, proclaim freedom for the captives, and to release from darkness the prisoners (Isaiah 61:1). It has been a year of great sorrow but of even greater joy. I’m coming to realize more and more each day that JOY and HOPE is not found in the circumstances of our life but it is found in the fullness and greatness of simply knowing God. God is so incredibly faithful and sovereign. Through those circumstances He has drawn me closer to himself, revealed Himself to me in new ways, opened my heart to new desires, dreams and passions; and has shown me the woman that I really am in HIM!
When I look at that senior girl in high school and the plans that I had for my life, they definitely did not include the heartache of losing a best friend, struggling with sexual addiction, losing my grandfather to cancer, and a broken engagement. But if I could go back and change a single event… I WOULDN’T DO IT! I am certain that God causes everything to work together for good to those who love Him (Roman 8:28).
My goal is not that people would read my story and feel sorry or pity me for struggles life has thrown my way. I, unlike many other suffering people (in far greater ways I could possibly imagine), have the peace and joy of knowing Christ. I rest knowing that He is not a God that sits back helplessly as these events unfold but instead that He is in control of all things. I know that He is orchestrating the things in my life in a way that will bring me the most joy, and more importantly, will bring Him the most glory!
Pine Ridge Reservation
There are so many broken people in this world that don’t have that peace, privilege, or joy of knowing Christ. I want nothing more than to be a vessel for Christ and bring these people the restoration and hope that their hearts having been searching for and what I have found…I want to bring them JESUS!!
