I guess it’s time to write the “Oh my gosh, I can’t believe this thing is almost over!” blog. Setting aside time for reflection has been kind of tough, because we are all either in denial or trying to squeeze every bit of time together out of the ever flowing sand in the hourglass. But this is what I know: this last year has been filled with the Lord checking things off my list of what I thought I wanted for my life and who I thought I wanted to be. My ideas are so different from those I had on June 5th, 2007. Thank God. There is a lifestyle calling to me, not just a program or somebody else’s good idea. A chance to go back home and live set apart, yet very much involved in the lives of everyone He places around me, wherever I may be.
Now I sit here, 8 days away from going home after a year of living abroad. Another year away from America. Another year of floundering and learning to reach for Him. Another year of seeing His grace for me and almost being able to feel it tangibly. Another year of being prodded along by His love, of reveling in His will for me and the intricate way He put me together, with all of my passions and hopes. Another year of living in light of the phrase, “For such a time as this”. And I will end strong this year I chose to set apart. I don’t care that the enemy has been hounding me lately. Why would he let up now and let me sail across the finish line? If I cross this particular finish line bleeding and tired, it is all for His glory. If I end out of breath but smiling, it is all for His glory. If I end limping, it is all for His glory. And if I run across, breathing steady and glistening with the hard earned sweat of a year spent chasing after Him, it is all for His glory.
I think too much emphasis is put on ending. It’s a lot of pressure to appease the onlookers with some show of sorts. I will end this thing the same way I started it…someone who is desperately in love with Jesus and who still messes up daily. A person who realizes even more that she can’t do one thing without Him, and that she doesn’t ever want to. What is the end of the race supposed to look like, ideally? Who knows. I guess it’s different depending on who you talk to. I’m only concerned with the opinion of One, and I know I’ve had Him in my corner cheering me on since the beginning. He hasn’t been waiting at the end, on the finish line…He has been running with me. Right alongside of me. And we will continue running into His perfect will for me…together. I might be able to take a few minutes as a breather, and to slow down to get some water, but the race continues. The terrain has been changing once a month, and now it will change again. I’m not sure what it will look like or how hard it will be, but that doesn’t really matter. I just have to keep going. Actually, I get to keep going. This life He’s given me is such a privilege. It sucks sometimes, it can be heart wrenching, but it is also beautiful and worth whatever I must go through. At times I lose heart, but then I remember that He is still my running partner. I look over to Him for help, and then we pick up the pace a bit and keep going.
I’ll never get there, wherever there is. It’s a dot on the horizon that you never quite reach. But I think I’ve realized that I reach a little bit of it everyday. Everyday is another chance to be a part of a crazy God thing or just to sit down and chat with Him about whatever is on my mind. That to me is running the race well, if you really like that metaphor. April 30th will be the end of this part of the journey, a year of my life spent with a group of people that are now family, living in a way I never have before. But May 1st is hiding 24 hours behind it. I believe it might even be better than the day before. Nothing ends, it just ebbs and flows. This year has changed my life, yes…but my life changes every single day, even if things seem monotonous. I guess I can’t fully explain it, I just know that I won’t stop following after Him, which means May 1st will just be another day with Him. Another day to give up my life for something better. Another day to get up and die, and see what He has for me. It will just be another day in His perfect will. Here’s one of my favorite quotes: “Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end.” – Semisonic, Closing Time. That says it all.
