Have you ever felt so entangled in sin, selfishness, or restlessness that you can barely stand the feel of your own skin? Have you ever longed for something you know is supposed to be there…but you don’t even know what to call it, because you aren’t sure of what it is anyway? I get that way sometimes; I get to the place where I feel chained, just out of reach of that thing…dreams fulfilled OR the next step toward being the Kingdom bringer the Father designed me to be. I feel almost wild to discover what the thing is, to release this energy & longing within me. In these times, I so easily allow my enemy to hit me with cheap shots, & my sinful flesh cries out for the immediate fix. Sometimes I have the strength to fight my flesh; I can tell the enemy to go back to hell where he came from; and then sometimes I run headlong into the thing I know will satisfy for a moment but leaves just as quickly. The problem is, I KNOW nothing will satisfy except the I AM.
The Lord and I started talking about this the other day as I was listening to Andrew Peterson. I had gone to the music, because that is one of the most intimate places the Lord meets me, to hear His voice rather than the enemies lies. This song came on & I immediately knew that God gave the song to Andrew for me. As I heard the lyrics, to a song I have heard hundreds of times, I heard my insides saying every word. The song is written to Hosea from Gomer’s perspective. You know, Gomer, the prostitute & Hosea the amazing Holy man that went out & bought Gomer because God told him to. God didn’t say go get that exact one – God said essentially; Hosea, go pick a whore, any one you want…because I want my people, who have made themselves whores, to see how I can redeem. I want them to know I love them in spite of what they have done to themselves. (Obviously, my translation!) It blew me away to realize that of everyone he could have chosen, Hosea chose Gomer. What was it about her? What did she have that no one else had? Those are the questions that popped into my head. The Lord’s answer was not why but this, “Hey my sweet Jenny, you realize that I am Hosea right?! Do you also realize that you are Gomer; it doesn’t matter why I chose, just that I chose you! You are mine; I will go out & find you in your filth & entanglement EVERY TIME! I AM YOUR REDEEMER, you are mine!”
The thing is, the idea of being the chosen one was revelatory to me…again. I have been in this place before. I have rested with the Lover of my soul; I have laid down, peaceful in His arms often. I just didn’t realize, until this conversation, that I had run again. I had forgotten about the last time He picked me up out of the streets, the last time He drew me out into the desert to show me what His love produces. I was wrapped up in the stillborns of my own effort. The last few stanzas of the song, the Lord sang over me. I saw myself, again, lying broken & beaten up in the street. I saw Him, MY Redeemer come to my rescue. I saw the desert of years…turn green & fertile in His presence. I saw the peace He has given through binding my wandering heart to His. Praise be to the Lord, the one who pursues us when we have come down with another case of amnesia. Praise the One, the Only who can set us free with what the world calls bondage. Praise be to the King who confounds all of our wisdom with His foolishness. Father, all I can say is this: YES LORD, I WILL WASTE MY LIFE FOR YOU, ALWAYS!
I sang and I danced like I did as a young girl, Hosea, Hosea.
I am a slave and a harlot no more.
You washed me clean like a summer rain and you set me free with that ball and chain.
Hosea, I threw away the key. I’ll never leave.
