This song has been on repeat in my head since we arrived in Bangkok…
Oh great God
Be small enough
To hear me now
There were times when I was crying
From the dark of Daniel’s den
I had asked you once or twice
If you would part the sea again
Tonight I do not need a
Fiery pillar in the sky
Just want to know you’re gonna
Hold me if I start to cry
I knew from the beginning that Thailand would be a month of challenge for me.
I knew that my heart would be broken, my spirit tested, and my comfort disrupted.
I knew that this month would bring up feelings and struggles from my own life that I had no desire to deal with.
I had no idea that these tests would be constant however.
On a daily basis I find myself calling out to my Father God for help.
My heart is more than broken; it is crushed.
My fighters instinct is on high alert.
I fight a battle within myself daily, fighting against consuming anger and an overwhelming need for justice.
By the end of the night I usually find myself beaten, wounded, and weary.
Oh great God
Be small enough to hear me now
Oh great God
Be close enough to feel me now
(Oh great god be close to me)
There have been moments when I could not face
Goliath on my own
And how could I forget we marched
Around our share of Jerichos
But I will not be setting out
A fleece for you tonight
Just wanna know if everything will be alright
Oh great God be close enough to feel me now
The family unit in Thailand has been grossly distorted.
Lady Boys and Toms are recognized as a legitimate third gender.
Most homes do not have both a father and mother.
Generations of physical, sexual, and emotional abuse run rampant within the typical household.
Most young Thai men do not provide for their families, opting instead to participate in alcohol, drugs, and relationships with multiple women.
Because of this lack of responsibility from the men, the women then become the soul source for provision in their families.
Bangkok has been heralded as a way out, a way to provide for the needs of the extended family.
Many women come here looking for work but, due to their lack of education, can’t find a job anywhere other than the bars.
The foreigners justify their actions by saying they are helping to provide for this woman’s family.
That man who mistreats and misuses the bar girl he picks up tells himself he is doing her a favor by paying her bar fine and taking her home with him, she gets “taken care of” for the night.
Isn’t that what every girl wants?
All praise and all the honor be
To the God of ancient mysteries
Whose every sign and wonder
Turn the pages of our history
But tonight my heart is heavy
And I cannot keep from whispering this prayer
Are you there?
God, my heart is heavy.
I am burdened by the emptiness I see in the eyes of the bar girls.
I walk into the bars every night and I see the devil looking back at me from the men.
I see what satan does to distort good and how He manipulates using our own justification and “moral codes”.
I am sickened by the amount of men I see with rings on their fingers and a young Thai girl on their arm.
I am saddened for my generation and those younger looking for good men, when I see men in their 20’s and 30’s walk in and out checking out the “merchandise”.
I feel disgust rise up in me when I come across a father/son pair who are drunk and doing whatever they want to anyone they want regardless of who can see.
God I don’t understand why you let these people continue in how they are living.
I don’t understand how you can stand to allow these bars to still operate.
I don’t understand why the men of Thailand do not stand up and say, “NO, these are our daughters, sisters, and mothers”.
I can’t understand why the bar girls allow themselves to become a possession to acquire rather than a treasure worth cherishing.
I don’t understand why places like Europe, the US, and even the United Nations sit by in silence when they know that women are being traded as commodities throughout the world.
I don’t understand why the church in Thailand has the official position that they know nothing of this problem of which we speak.
I don’t know how to deal with this anger that wells up within me.
I don’t know what to do with my need for justice for the girls whose names I now know.
And I know you could leave writing
On the wall that’s just for me
Or send wisdom while I’m sleeping
Like in Solomon’s sweet dreams
I don’t need the strength of Sampson
Or a chariot in the end
Just wanna know you still know how many
Hairs are on my head
Oh great God (Are you small enough)
Be small enough to hear
Me now
I know God, that your ways are not our ways.
I know that I can’t even begin to understand the full picture you have for these women.
I know that you work all things together for good to those that love you and are called according to your purpose.
You have worked mightily in my own life.
I want to trust you will work out good for these women too.
I want to have patience with Your timing.
I want to be okay with understanding just enough for today.
I want to love those bar girls with Your most amazing love.
I want to see the “farangs” ( white men) as You see them.
I want to remember that sin is sin; there are no distinctions.
I want others to become passionate and broken over the sex trade and human trafficking.
I want to be constantly reminded that you see their faces and hear their cries too.
I want to know that my being here makes a difference.
But right now, I just want You to hold me and promise me that everything will be alright even if I don’t see results.
