As most of you know, Kenya was difficult for me. I labeled it as my “bucket
month.” That label comes from launch week in the Philippines when Allison spoke
to us about her bucket month. Simply put, it just means a month where you don’t
wanna do anything because you lack motivation, desire and emotion…and because
of that, you find a metaphorical, or literal, bucket…and you sit…and complain…and
decide that you really don’t wanna do anything…you just want your way and you
want to be comfortable and you want to cry about life.
So…Kenya was my bucket month. At one point, I actually sat
on a bucket and said, “I don’t deny it…I’m here…and it sucks!”
I was having trouble even seeking after God and even more
trouble hearing from Him. The one resounding thought in my head all month was how
much I wanted to get back to Nairobi for squad debriefs and be with my Q
family.
But during the last few days in Eldoret, God did begin to
speak…and more importantly, I began to listen.
Just like a loving father to his beloved child, He sat me
down and gently began to tell me how much He loves me and how much He’s proud
of me. Then very gently, He told me that because of those things, He needed to
tell me more.
He reminded me that I’m not here to be comfortable.
And that I’m called here to bring the Kingdom to the
nations.
I’m not here to whine and cry…and I’m definitely not here to
make things more stressful for the people we serve with.
I’m here to leave our ministries with more of God…more of
His love…more of His Kingdom.
He told me that just because I didn’t agree with people in
other cultures didn’t mean that I could sink down to another level and lose
sight of the goal He placed before me at the beginning.
I’m called to bring the Kingdom of God to the world…and
specifically where I am at any given moment. If I don’t leave a place better
than when I arrived, have I done anything at all? Have I fulfilled that goal?
Have I brought God to a people who probably need to encounter Him more than
people who already do ministry pretty amazingly and fully know Him?
The answer to those questions this month was…no.
And I could leave the questions with that simple answer…or I
could learn from them, move onto the next country, and implement the lessons
that God wants to leave me with…
That more than anything else, God loves His children…He
loves me…He loves the children who love to follow mzungus…He loves the random
scraggly looking guy that gives me the heeby jeebies…He loves every person,
every color, every culture, every nation, every age, every gender…EVERY person.
And because of that, I’m here. I’m here to show the love of
our Father to every child of His. I’m here to bring His Kingdom down to every
person here. I’m here to get over myself and love like He loved. I’m here to
seek Him and His heart…I’m here so that my heart came break for what breaks
His.
I thank my God because He’s never ok with leaving me where I
am. He looks at me with those gentle, loving, yet stern eyes and says that He
wants more. He sees more in me and He’s not satisfied with leaving me here.
…which leads me to my next point in this blog.
I’m sure I’ve mentioned it before, but if not, in the World
Race, we implement this thing called Feedback. It’s the action of bringing
issues, problems, praises and encouragements out in your team, or your
community. I used to be scared to death of feedback because I was always
nervous that people would see my faults and weaknesses and point them out to me…which
would make me feel threatened…or offended (which CLEARLY I’ve been in the past,
so please forgive me if I’ve been easily offended by you!)
But now…I LOVE feedback! Just as God has been breaking me
down about these issues or others, I’ve become grateful for them and have begun
to really pay attention to feedback. I understand now that, just like God,
these people around me have my best interests in mind. They have so much belief
in who I am and what I can become. They feedback me because they love me. They want
to see me move onto more and more depths of God’s love and life.
So God has used this bucket month to bring me to a place of
stepping into un-offendability and openness to His feedback and to others.
And even through this month…where I thought I’d reverted
into the old me and taken on an incredible amount of negativity and complaining…God
has shown me that I’m not who I was. I can still make mistakes and falter…but I
don’t react in the same way anymore. I’m at a place where I welcome feedback
and criticism. I want to know how I can grow. I want to know how to go further
and I’m open to any feedback that is going to show me how to do that.
Mmmm…I just love God! I love that He truly uses everything
to speak to us…we just have to listen. It brings so much joy to my heart and
ignites even more passion in me. J
So I may have sat on a bucket this month…but it was full of
feedback…full of truth…and full of grace!
