I’ve worn the same outfit since September. I’ve been stuck in fear, pride and uncertainty since this race began. It sounds blunt and brutal, but it’s the truth.
I’ve worn these clothes for over 2 months. They’re ugly clothes. Dirty, worthless and old…worn out and full of holes…so smelly that others are deterred…so strange looking that even when I try to cover my clothes with something prettier and more appealing to the masses, it’s still clear to everyone around me that I continue to wear these clothes under.
They’re clothes of pride. I haven’t wanted to fully respect my authorities because I think that I could do their job just as well. I try to speak with God’s voice because I want to look just as spiritual as the next person. Everything has been a competition…me weighing myself against everyone on my team to figure out what I could do better. And although I didn’t realize this until just a few days ago, I never would have openly admitted it had I been aware of what I was doing and thinking. It’s harsh and definitely ugly…but God’s slowly stripping me of these worn out, smelly clothes and clothing me with something new…
Humility.
I was sitting down for breakfast one morning feeling super negative and defensive, when one of my amazing squad mates handed me a note. She had recognized that I just wasn’t myself and she wanted to encourage me to hang in there and remind me of who God created me to be. It made me smile and I thought it was what I needed…for someone to finally see that I wasn’t ok…that I was struggling and just wanted acceptance from someone…anyone.
But God had other plans. Isn’t that how it usually is with Him?
At the bottom of the note was a verse: “Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.” I didn’t take it lightly. I fell in love with the verse because I was thinking, “well at least God cares for me.” So I went back to my room and looked up the rest of the chapter. That’s when God hit me with a harsh truth that I didn’t want to see…
“All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because ‘God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.'”
I’ve made this trip about me, not Him. I’ve sought out the acceptance of man more than I ever cared to listen to what God was speaking. I was living in fear because I was believing every lie from the pit of hell.
So, I’m in a process…well, several. I’m taking off these clothes of pride and fear…replacing them with clothes of humility. I’m learning to not doubt myself or my voice…but speak out of the wisdom God has given me. I’m being stripped of every layer of my identity in titles…and being built back up in the foundation of God’s truth and my identity in Him.
I’m not perfect. I’ve got flaws. But with flaws come growth. With growth, comes strength, character and hope. And it all starts with these humble clothes that now cover me. I may be broken, but I’ve got the most beautiful, clean, pure clothes that I’ve ever worn.
