Project searchlight is a week long post-race program designed to help racers process their year and to share opportunities to continue ministry with AIM and other places as well. I was debating about going. I thought that it might be boring with sessions after sessions. But then I thought, hey, why not? I’m gonna go for it. Even if just to see my fusion family. Well, I’m so glad I did go. It was more than I expected! It was almost like a breath of fresh air. Don’t get me wrong, I loved being with my friends and family. But it felt so good to be back in the WR culture. One of the things I really liked about it was that the sessions are designed to show you how to take the things you learned on the WR and apply it to your life whether you get a job, go back to the field, or whatever. Another great thing about this was that everyone who spoke was a WR alumni so they know what it’s like after the race.
Some truths that were said that really impacted me.
The WR is really just an introduction to a new lifestyle. I have found this to be true. Regardless of where God takes me, my lifestyle has changed. I’m still working on implementing those changes into my life at home and even now as I head to Jamaica soon.
The WR is not the pinnacle of my life. It is not the only good exciting thing that will happen to me. If the WR was the pinnacle of my life and that was the best thing God had for me, then what am I living for now? To think that the best time of my life is over and done is depressing. I was told this week by WR alumni that every year is better than the last. So this year is going to be better. This doesn’t mean that it will be easier cause it won’t. They also say that it gets harder every year, but God has something more and better for me this year. So the next thing God brings you too whatever it may be, will be better than the past. Right now, for me this looks like Jamaica. I’m not saying that the past experiences don’t mean anything to me. Those past experiences have prepared me for whatever God has for me now. “Seek first His kingdom and all these things will be added to you.” As you continue to seek God and let Him direct your steps, the more He will add to you in the years to come.
Another thing I learned this past week was about post race pride and shame. I struggle with both of these. Before I came to PSL I knew I was struggling and having a hard time adjusting, but didn’t have word for it, but as the speaker went on I knew that this was it. I struggle with pride in the sense that I went on this amazing trip, I did this or I did that. I have the experience now, I have cool stories. I know what it’s like to be a traveling missionary and it’s so freaking cool! But honestly- being a missionary and traveling is not all that glamorous. I post cool pictures of my trip; I talk about all the fun and silly moments. And there’s nothing wrong with sharing those stories. But what I don’t really talk about so much is the reality of how hard it is. How draining and exhausting it can be. How discouraging it can be sometimes. How lonely I felt. How I have cried (many times). How I have told myself over and over again that I’m done with the WR and I’m going home. Doing this for the Kingdom is worth it and I grew so much in those hard moments, but it’s still hard. And I have the tendency hide those moments because most people don’t want to hear the hard parts. I admit, I did do some really cool things. But that does not make it easier and it does not in any way make me better than anyone else.
I struggled with shame in the sense that I sometimes feel guilty for taking a hot shower or having a huge plate of food, or buying a new shirt that I don’t need or having unlimited toilet paper to use and even just the fact that I live in America. But there is no shame in these things. I am not worse than anyone else and I am not better than anyone else I am simply me, someone who is trying to figure out how to live after a life changing year.
These are just a few of the things I’m working through. God has been so gracious and patient with me and I want to thank you all for being patient with me during my time at home.
The past few days I have been going through leader training for Passport and getting boatloads of important information I need to know. The participants all arrive tomorrow and we’ll spend a few days here for some training with them and then we launch on the 25th!
I am also fully funded!! Praise God! Thank you for your support!
Please pray that I would be able to continue to process this past year while at the same time move forward into learning how to best serve and love my team and live a Spirit led life.
Also, if you would pray for the team. It’s a group of 10 gals ages 18-22. Pray for unity and freedom on the team as we serve for the next 3 months.
