In the previous post I mentioned spiritual warfare. It’s heavy and constant here. It makes me feel numb to all the beauty that’s around me, to the kids, and my squad mates. I see it in how the kids act sometimes. And it’s a struggle to daily put on the armor of God and fight for love, for joy, for compassion and for His glory to be seen and felt. I personally struggled a lot. I have never been aware of what Spiritual warfare is like. I knew about it and I knew it was a daily thing, but here it was evident and we could feel it. Satan is very subtle and gradual in his attacks.
I’m gonna back up a bit. With this month being all squad month I struggled more than usual to hear what was going on because it’s a bigger group then my team of 7. And for the first time since Thailand in January I wished I had me hearing aids. I wanted to be more involved with the squad. I wanted to laugh and cry with them. I wanted to be in on then jokes and funny comments. It really hurt that I couldn’t. It wasn’t the squads fault at all. It was simply the way it was. I shared this with the squad and they have been so gracious and thoughtful in making sure I get what’s going on. I realized that I was grieving the fact that I had hearing loss. I wasn’t sad about my hearing aids. And I thought I was only grieving the past 4 months without my hearing aids, but I was looking back at my childhood too. I never thought twice about it growing up. Not hearing during swimming lessons, not hearing the whispered conversations at sleepovers with friends and this one is weird, but I have never heard a mouse squeak. I wanna hear a mouse. This process was something that I could brush aside anymore. I needed to go through it and learn to let it go. One morning as I was leaving the bedroom I asked myself if I was forgetting anything, and my first thought was oh, my hearing aids. That was the first time I thought that since Thailand and it hurt thinking that because I knew how much I was missing. As I was processing all of this, I asked God “why me? Why not someone else? Why did He create me like this?” I started to “not be ok” with my hearing loss. I wanted to hear everyone. I wanted, I wanted, I wanted and wanted some more. And when God didn’t give me what I wanted I threw a fit and pouted. I wasn’t hearing God in any way anymore. I had let Satan turn this into a “it’s all about me why am I’m not getting what I want?” And I was homesick. I missed God, but didn’t know how to reach out to Him in my anger. I was selfish and knew it. But I couldn’t let it all go. I had forgotten God’s faithfulness to me in the past. How can it be so easy to forget?
One day, I shared with a team mate how I was feeling and she reminded that this was part of God’s plan. This is His purpose for me. That what God is doing in my life has an impact on others, that God is faithful, I was reminded of what God has spoken to me on that day in January. And He told me that He loves me and that has chosen me for this. He reminded me to look at what He is doing spiritually. I was desperate to hear people. Shouldn’t I be much more desperate to hear God and obey Him? He is all I ever need. I was so caught up in what I didn’t have physically that I forgot what I already had spiritually. In 2 Timothy 2:21 it talks about being a vessel for honorable use. God told me that He wants me to be an empty vessel so that He can fill me with Himself for His purpose and glory. What an honor it is to be used by God. Me, a selfish sinner. Yet He is using me to shine His light! And He is using you too. If you will empty yourself and let Him fill you with His presence.
This was the biggest thing I struggled with while here but it’s not the only thing. Every day was a struggle for me and not taking the time to read God’s word and spend time in prayer was a really bad idea. Every time I hear a lie (which was a lot) I’d have to slam it out. Some times by prayer, quoting scripture and worship.
Now I’m going to flash back to China- I took this from a squad mates blog because she explained what it was like so well.
“There was a lot of spiritual oppression, especially in the areas of “burn out” and feeling restricted or isolated in that faith couldn’t really be shared and even spoken had to be monitored. We used phrases like “PRing” and “Yarping” (pray backwards) to talk about prayer, “M’s” for missionaries, and so on. Just experiencing it for a month was draining and a little frustrating, especially because I wanted to share what was going on with my family and friends back at home. So imagine what it must be like to live there!”
I didn’t realized how much this affected me until after we left China. It is very draining to not be able to talk freely about Christ and I see now what a blessing it is to be able to have an open fellowship back home, to not live in the oppression, to not have to worry about protecting the ministries. Please pray for China. There are so many Christians there working for the kingdom! Pray that they would continually be filled with the Holy Spirit.
Prayer_
Pray for the squad as we travel to Lesotho on the 31st. It is another all squad month and for the ministry.
Pray that I would find my source in God and that I would be willing to be used as a vessel for the kingdom of God.
