Before I start- No, my ears are not healed yet. But God healed something more important- my heart.
I accidentally told Victoria that I didn’t want to be healed anymore and that lead to a long talk with my team over chicken and rice. I had started to think that someone would take my hearing loss upon them self so that I could be healed. I couldn’t bear the thought of someone doing that. I’m not worth it because of my loss. They are worth it so why put the hearing loss on them when I’m already “damaged and no good”? I felt like I was replaceable, useless, unloved and a failure.
I didn’t know that I had these lies in my heart till I talked with my team. They spoke truth to me and reminded me of what Christ has done for me.
I struggled to overcome these lies. I had been believing these lies for most of my life. How was I to simply let them go? I wanted to let them go and sometimes I thought I did. But then I would just come back to it. It was a cycle that I didn’t know how to break.
One night during squad debrief they prayed for me. They started out praying for my ears but then God led them to pray for my heart. They had me speak truth out loud. I really did not want to do that but they wouldn’t take no for an answer. So I started saying I’m worthy, I’m redeemed, I’m not damaged, I’m made perfect in Christ, I’m not forgotten, I’m cherished, I’m chosen. I was saying these things but not really believing it. Then they had me say the lies that I was believing in out loud. Then they gave a mirror aka a phone with the camera on selfie mode and had me say those things while looking at myself. As I’m doing this I was thinking What am I doing? Why am I sitting here holding to these lies? Why am I not just letting them go and taking a step forward? Why am I not focusing on Christ? One of the squad coach told me to simply say thank yous to God to refocus on Christ. So I started thanking God for each of my squad mates by name. I thanked Him for who He is and for His love. I was focusing on God, I was looking to Him and then I was free from the lies! I was able to look at myself and say that I am made perfect in Christ, I am worth it, I am chosen, I am cherished, I am loved and really truly believe it!
A teammate told me this month that God was going to heal my heart before He healed my ears.
And He did.
Photo Credit- Victoria Piecre
This month at debrief we had a team change up. My new team is Gospel Globe Trotters. (Or GGT.) We head out to China today! We will be teaching English at a K-12 academy in Yanji, Yanbian. We’re so excited about this opportunity to build relationships and just love on the people there!
Prayer-
Safe travel and good health for the squad.
China- that their hearts would be ready and open to receive love.
That I would focus more on Christ and be able to love freely.
Praises-
A fantastic growing month in Vietnam!
The people and ministry we were able to connect with!
I made my April deadline!! Thank you all for sharing in this journey! I am amazed at God provision! (My next and final deadline is July 1st and I only need $5000. Pray that God would continue to provide!)
Team GGT!
Fusion Squad!!!
