Who is God calling you to be?
I recently returned from a week-long mission trip to Ethiopia. I was fortunate enough to travel with a few friends from church who have been traveling to Ethiopia and working with several contacts for the past eight years. Needless to say they appeared right at home and I fell right in line.
Let me back up for a moment. For those who have heard my testimony much of this is old news. However, most of you have not heard my testimony. I do not plan on transcribing the entire thing in this blog but I will refer to parts of it.
I grew up in a Christian home, attending church and staying highly involved with my youth group. At a certain point just after college I stopped attending church. It was more so due to a convenience issue (I was stationed in Germany at the time) but what a weak excuse. When a Christian allows excuses to sneak in to their thoughts and actions Satan typically sneaks in as well. Small excuses become large excuses and what you end up with is a complete unraveling of your Walk. My Walk was not anything that was important to me. I knew I was saved and I knew what I believed but the passion that a Christian cannot help but possess when they are truly walking with Christ was absolutely non-existent. I was settling for mediocrity. It was, however, exactly where God had me and I can look back now and appreciate that.
Throughout my twenties I continued to not only fail to attend church but I flat out ran from God. I lived most of my mid to late twenties feeling guilt and conviction. The Holy Spirit lived within me from the time that I was first saved but I tried with everything I had to suppress it, ignore it, and even hate it at times. Ultimately my lifestyle and actions caught up to me in the form of a potentially career-ending situation that took place while I was deployed the second time.
I remember it was the Wednesday before New Year’s and I was alone in the one-room trailer I shared with my roommate. I had run from God for so long that He literally brought me to my knees, placed me in front of a crossroad, and said “Jennifer, you have two choices. You either continue down the path you are on now and everything in your life will crumble. You will lose your career. Your personal life will continue to fall apart. You will feel pain you have never felt. Your second choice is that you turn back towards Me. You grab My hand and let Me guide you back on the path that I have for you. Please choose the second choice.” It took me about 60 seconds to decide on choice number two. I sent an email and made a phone call (both in reference to trying to get my life back on track) and from that point on I have never turned back. I realize this is somewhat vague and at some point I will probably transcribe my entire testimony but that is not the purpose of this blog. Plus, I feel that my entire squad needs to hear my testimony from my lips and not through a blog.
Who was God calling me to be?
Upon turning my life around and trying little by little to make Him my focus, my priority, my everything, I really found myself wondering what my next few years would bring. I had escaped from that huge issue in my career relatively unscathed (only by the Grace of God mind you). I ended up back in RVA in the summer of 2013, which I still contend is not at all a coincidence and was orchestrated by the Father because of the way things have transpired since my return. Should I have chosen to remain in the Army that would have, more than likely, been possible. After all, ever since receiving my commission back in 2006 and coming in as a Second Lieutenant most people I would encounter would say “Oh yeah, 2LT Tillett/1LT Tillett/CPT Tillett is definitely a lifer.” That’s Army speak for doing at least 20 years. Maybe it’s my personality, my leadership style, my passion for logistics. I really cannot say but I know I have heard it for the last ten years.
Slowly but surely God began putting things on my heart and taking things from my heart. The passion I had at one time for the Army was slowly waning. The idea of getting promoted to Major and moving to my next assignment made me extremely uneasy. What did make me comfortable and excited was the idea of helping people, and that slowly transformed into a desire that my service be Christ-centered. One conversation I still remember to this day continues to blow me away and make me laugh all at once. Way back in October 2013 I was having dinner with my grandparents (Mamaw and Poppy). Mamaw says, “Well Jennifer, after you finish this recruiting job in RVA what’s your next move?” I had to roll my eyes a little because I had literally JUST returned home and my family was already worried about when I was leaving. I suppose they had adjusted to this crazy military life. Anyhow I said, “Well I’m not sure there’s going to be a next move. I sort of feel like perhaps this is my final job in the Army.” Poppy (in his extremely Tillett-like voice) immediately pipes up with, “What do you mean you’re going to get out? What are you going to do, leave the service and become a missionary?” He literally pulled this out of thin air. I had never once thought about missions as any sort of long-term plan. Heck no! This girl was an Army Officer. I was going to get out and use this Logistics experience working for some private sector company making three times what I make in the Army.
Who was God calling me to be?
Over the course of 2014 God soaked my heart with missions. He did it through sermons. He did it through the people He brought into my life. He did it through my home church. He did it through pictures and stories. In steps the World Race. By the time October 2014 (when I applied and was accepted on the Race) rolled around the Lord had spent the better part of twelve months preparing me for what He had for me.
Fast forward to just a few weeks ago. This trip to Ethiopia, which was planned long before the World Race was even a consideration, served to solidify my decision. One morning each member of the team discussed their first trip to Ethiopia (I was the only rookie) and it occurred to me that I had never been on an adult mission trip until now. I went to Guatemala in high school but had never experienced the mission field as an adult. I was blown away because God had literally called me out onto the mission field through the World Race never having been on a mission trip! I am almost grateful this did not occur to me last October when I applied for the Race because I may have taken pause. Still, it is not really like me to hesitate. I tend to just jump right in head first and hope for the best. In any event it was, and still is to a certain extent, overwhelming to realize that the Lord brought two individuals into my life who asked me to go to Ethiopia early last summer long before I had considered the Race but that I signed up for the Race prior to going to Ethiopia. I could have easily arrived in Ethiopia and thought, “Oh heck no, this is NOT for me! What have I done?” However, God is perfect, His plan is perfect, His timing is perfect, and He knew what He was doing the entire time. Well played God, well played.
I was able to experience some things on that trip to Ethiopia that certainly confirmed my choices. My mother has been a big part of that as well. She told me two things that will probably forever stick with me. First, she said, “Jennifer I look at the pictures you uploaded and you look like you’re doing what you’re supposed to be doing. You look comfortable. You look happy.” A few other people in my life have had the exact same reaction, including one whom I had not seen or spoken to in over two years until recently. Sometimes outsiders can really provide amazing confirmation. When people have the ability look at you and confirm things you feel it is just an incredible blessing. The second thing my mom said was, “Jennifer I have really felt over the past few months that God may be calling you out into full-time missions.”
Is this who God is calling me to be?
As the days inch closer to training camp and launch and God continues to put me through the emotional gauntlet in preparation, I feel stronger and stronger that I know where my life will lead. I do not have absolute confirmation and I do not expect to have absolute confirmation until God is truly ready to reveal it to me but when He is ready to reveal it you can bet I will be listening. It’s the little things to which I pay attention; the conversations, the situations, the passions. For instance, and this is definitely bigger rather than smaller, I looked in my fundraising account last night for the first time in a month and I was blown away. Once I calculated both what is in my account as well as my monthly donations through December I am 90% funded. I will never tire of receiving confirmation from my Father that I am on the path He has laid out for me.
This process has not been easy. It has taken a lot of patience, prayer, emotional ups and downs, and risk. Financial risk is probably the hardest aspect. Walking away from a career with a guaranteed paycheck, housing, healthcare, and potential for promotion is nuts to the world. People ask about my next step, I tell them, and they are shocked. Still, I have never once felt the need to question my decision, even if others do. If you are not willing to take risks for God then for whom are you willing to take risks?
So I ask you: Who is God calling you to be?
