For some reason I’ve had a hard time actually sitting down
and attempting to convey my thoughts, emotions, and the incredible things God’s
been doing this past month in Thailand, (hence the lack of blogs… sorry about
that.) There is so much to tell; so
many people’s stories, divine encounters, experiences with the Lord, and lessons
I’ve learned. God is so good. So I’m
trying to get my blogs together but I’m releasing myself from being overwhelmed
about them as well. I’m learning how to walk in freedom in every area of my
life, no matter how many years I’ve done things my own way. I’m attempting to
find release from my need for thoroughness and perfectionism, which in one way
manifests itself in the need/ desire to write incredibly detailed, insightful,
and thorough blogs about everything the Lord has been doing. This need to
convey it all “perfectly� or up to the standards I’ve set for myself keeps me
from writing at all. There’s too much pressure, so I procrastinate doing it,
and then it never happens. Oh man, I didn’t even think I was going to write
about this right now, but here I am.
Externally processing on my own blog and being open and vulnerable about the
ways I still need to learn how to release my own control and let Jesus truly
lead my life. There’s freedom in Christ; I know this. I share about the
incredible freedom He offers with everyone I meet on this trip, but I’m
realizing I need to start walking in it myself. God is made strong in my
weakness… so sometimes I just need to be broken before the Lord. Sometimes I simply
need to break down and admit, I can’t do this
on my own. I need you, Lord. I was prayer journaling about all of this last
night and I think I wrote that phrase out about twenty times: “I need you.�
Dependency. That’s a good place to be. We’re told so often by
our culture that we need to have our stuff together; we need to be independent
and strong; we can do it on our own. But the truth is, we can’t. (Do not conform…
Romans 12:2) We can try, but there’s no real fruit from that. We can’t serve
out of ourselves if we’re not being filled up by the Lord. It is HE who is at
work in us; it is not of ourselves. Sometimes I just want to try harder, push
more, work faster. Surely I can do this,
my flesh thinks. But God’s ways are so far beyond our understanding. His ways
are not our ways and His thoughts are not our thoughts (Isaiah 55:8-9). I think
I can push through on my own but this leaves me in a constant state of feeling
overwhelmed and defeated; I cannot do it on my own. I need Jesus.
I’m working on simply spending more time in His presence. When
I feel like my list of things to do is building up my first reaction is to sit
down and start trying to get stuff done. I
can do this, I think to myself. But I can’t. It never works. Life without
the Lord is not life at all. He IS the living water.
I recently heard a story about Heidi Baker’s ministry. Don’t
quote me on the details of this… just listen to the lesson. Heidi and Rolland
Baker (founders of Iris Ministries) have an incredible ministry church planting,
serving orphans, loving on people, and seeking revival in Mozambique and around
the world. Apparently they had been working tirelessly for years, putting
everything they had into furthering the Gospel and serving the Lord; in a
period of about sixteen years they had started around six churches in
Mozambique. Around that time Heidi took a trip to Canada for a conference and
was slain in the Spirit for seven days straight; she couldn’t move a muscle and
had to be carried in and out of church services. Pretty wild! But the Lord
taught her monumental lessons during that time; He taught her about true dependency,
intimacy, and just being in His presence. After that experience Heidi went from
being a Biblical “Martha� (working all the time) to a “Mary� (simply sitting at
Jesus’ feet – see Luke 10:38-42) and was completely transformed; so was her
ministry. Heidi stopped trying to make things happen in her ministry by working
all the time to simply spending time with Jesus and truly putting Him first;
the next year the number of churches planted in Mozambique skyrocketed to
around 3,000 in one year. 3,000 churches in one year! Compared to six churches
in sixteen years previously, that’s a massive increase by simply spending time
with the Lord. Does this make sense? No. I don’t get it. Does God always make
sense? No. If God was a God we could fully understand, He wouldn’t be a very
big God. Jesus came to this world and completely shook things up; He preached a
new way, a different way – something the Pharisees could not understand or
accept. We need to be willing to say YES to Jesus no matter what the cost. We
need to release our own ideas of what we think will work or will be best and surrender
it all to the Lord. I so often have the audacity to think that I can plan stuff
out or make things happen better than God. I don’t actually believe this with
my mind, but my actions speak differently. Instead of trying to produce or
perform all the time, we just need to release it to the Lord and let HIM work.
Jesus’ redemptive work on the cross offers us FREEDOM. We need to accept it,
understand it, and walk in it. It’s there for us. We need to stop trying to do
it on our own and start relinquishing our own control for the Lord’s. Cause
really, He’s God; He knows what He’s doing.
Wow, I didn’t know I was going to write about all of that. But
yup, that’s where I’m at. I do enjoy writing and expressing what’s going on
here… it helps me process and enables me to share about the precious lives I come
in contact with around the world. But I can’t let it stress me out. So as I work
through this process and begin finding freedom in Christ in this area, here are
some great blogs from some of my other teammates that convey a little bit about
what our past month in Thailand has looked like. Enjoy. 🙂
Note: We were
working with the girls of another team this month so some of these blogs are
from them as well. Team Beloved (B.Cox, BP, B.Jax, Heather, Courtney, and me) and
Team Sequoia (Andrea, Jess S., Ashley V., and Tracy) bonded. 🙂
Check em out!
http://andreagosselin.theworldrace.org/?filename=heartbroken
http://brittanyjackson.theworldrace.org/?filename=pattaya-thailand
http://brittanyjackson.theworldrace.org/?filename=give-me-your-eyes
http://brittanypriess.theworldrace.org/?filename=222B83A7E00145E69A2EC95057C850
http://andreagosselin.theworldrace.org/?filename=singing-in-the-rain
http://andreagosselin.theworldrace.org/?filename=christmas-in-the-slums
http://tracyhagar.theworldrace.org/?filename=thailand
http://tracyhagar.theworldrace.org/?filename=party-like-a-missionary
http://courtneyhess.theworldrace.org/?filename=lady-boy
http://tracyhagar.theworldrace.org/?filename=outside-of-ministry-fun-photo-blog
http://courtneyhess.theworldrace.org/?filename=thailand-life
http://brittanypriess.theworldrace.org/?filename=BDAE531898A6496598D6EE54BD4B86
