I knew I would be writing this blog. I have been feeling it well up inside me for a long time now. I felt it at the end of the summer, when out here on the Ranch the craziness and busyness and chaos that is summer finally came to an end. All of a sudden there was only one week left to spend with those who went through it all with you; those with whom you shared many tears, fits of laughter and late night duties of the hospitality industry. Every Sunday night our owner, Bob, tells our guests to take off their watches when they get back to their cabins and throw them in the top dresser drawer. By saying this, he is asking them to forget about time while they are here. It is a great suggestion, one that I’m sure some actually do, but inevitably by Wednesday or Thursday they are already lamenting at how quickly the week is flying by. The vacation that they had planned for so long is quickly becoming a memory. Nothing can make it last longer. Nothing can slow the clock in order to soak it in just a little more…time just keeps ticking and we are constantly frustrated by this.
I feel this frustration once again sitting here this evening. Two weeks from today, my time here at Lost Valley will be over. I will be packing my things and loading up the car to drive away from the place that has truly become my home away from home. For one and a half years, this is where I have cried more times than I can count, laughed so hard snorting became the only audible expression of joy, broke rules I knew I shouldn’t have broken, been stretched beyond any point I thought was possible and spent late nights talking with girls who would become my closest, dearest friends. I look back and know that my heart is full because of all of those things. Yet, as much as leaving makes my heart ache so much I can hardly breathe at times and as much as I beg and plead for the clock to slow down even just a little so I can have a few more minutes with them…I know it won’t. The clock will keep ticking. The sun will rise and fall at exactly the right time. My last day here will inevitably come.
What is this frustration? Why are we constantly either racing time or trying to slow it down? Although I think each of us feels this often in our lives, I was made aware of the concept while reading the book A Severe Mercy. In the last couple of chapters the author, Sheldon Van Auken, looks back on his life and comes to a conclusion that I have kept with me since reading his book. He says this:
“The timelessness that seems to reside in the future or the past is an illusion. The future dream charms us because of its timelessness; and I think most of the charm we see in the ‘good old days’ is no less an illusion of timelessness. In the reality of Now, the clock is always ticking. And why not? Time is our natural environment. We live in time as we live in the air we breathe. And we love the air- who has not taken deep breaths of pure, fresh country air, just for the pleasure of it? How strange that we cannot love time. It spoils our loveliest moments. Nothing quite comes up to expectations because of it. It suggests that we have not always been or will not always be purely temporal creatures. It suggests that we were created for eternity. Not only are we harried by time, we seem unable, despite a thousand generations, even to get used to it. We are always amazed at it- how fast it goes, how slowly it goes, how much of it is gone. We aren’t adapted to it, not at home in it. If that is so, it may appear as a proof, or at least a powerful suggestion, that eternity exists and is our home. Golden streets and compulsory harp lessons may lack appeal- but timelessness?? And total persons? Heaven is, indeed home.”
So until I am truly home, I will grieve time passing. I will probably fight it every now and then, in a futile effort to savor a few more moments with loved ones. In two weeks, I will not regret feeling the sadness of leaving friends whom I love so much. But I think I will also celebrate the opportunity to move forward…to have new adventures and make new friends. I will celebrate the chance to make the most of my time while I’m here on earth…make life matter for the One who will one day welcome me into my eternal home.
