Today was a good day and it ended with some frustration. Some frustration that I am going to experience on the World Race.
Lets start off with the good part of the day.
I woke up this Sunday morning and headed to church for some of my good friends baby girl’s baptism. Before I walked out the door I grabbed a few tissues and stuck them in my pocket.
Was my nose running? Did I have a cold? Nope.
The baptism was beautiful, precious girl cried a lil, but who wouldn’t with all the lights and sounds and water being poured on your head. Anyways…
The sermon this morning spoke to me. As I am abandoning a lot of comforts of home and trying to live the life Jesus calls us to live. My pastor quoted John Savage in the book Brave New World “But I don’t want comfort. I want God, I want poetry, I want real danger, I want freedom, I want goodness. I want sin.” I’m leaving comforts because I want God. Why is it that we can’t have both- comfort and God? I guess thats why John Savage said he wanted sin too. Without sin, life is just on autopilot. Without sin we dont seem need God or even need a Savior. So I guess I need sin, not comfort and truly, depesperately want God. My pastor ended with encouraging us to say “No sir” to some worldly things and expectations, like “I have to have the newest toy for my kid, or I need a new iphone because the newer one will make my life so much easier.” We need to say no to more and say yes to God!
During the final hymn “I Want to Be Child Of The Light” the woman next to me began to cry. I too wanted to cry, this hymn always speaks to me. I prayed to God, what can I do? Pat her back, give her a hug? Then I remembers those balled up tissues in my pocket. I pulled them out and handled them over and glanced her way. She smiled and thanked me. I knew God put those tissues in my pocket and I was glad to be in that seat at that moment.
So that was my morning. It was followed by a great brunch with some of my best friends. I am cherishing all these times nowadays. I took my lil cousins to the movies and loved watching them watch the movie. Oh the wonder and innocence.
Then, I went to the HUB tonight. Started just like any other Sunday. Got to meet some new faces and catch up with friends at this service I love. Its the first day of Advent and first day of the Christian calendar. Whoop Whoop! We are all singing Christmas hymns and praising. I heard another amazing sermon on being awake, ready for Jesus’ coming, and growing accustom to being in the presence of God so when he comes you will be able to handle it.
Well I have my work cut out for growing accustom to being in the presence of God. I dont know if Im ever going to get used to that. I usually get super emotional, terrified, or sick to my stomach when I believe I have been or am in the presence of God.
God shows up all the time and apparently my body doesn’t know how to deal with it. I ache for people suffering. I cry for people crying. When God nudges at my heart to do something about these things I freak out, feel sick, or cry.
Tonight I did all of these when a homeless woman walked into our presence and our service.
I had just finished communion and our pastor broke into prayer for this woman. She said that our first line of help is and should always be prayers to God.
I went up to the woman and said hello and she looked at me and began to cry. All I could do was hug her tight. These are the moments I am paralyzed God. I don’t ever know what to do. I asked her where she had been staying and what she needed. She said she was exhausted and tired and on her period and needed a shower. In my head I’m saying “Lets take her to a hotel and buy her a room. Go to the store buy her what she needs.” But I look around and everyone is just looking at her with pity and cleaning up to get out of the building to go hang out at the restaurant next door.
I am breaking inside.
I’ve worked with many homesless ministries before and they always says dont give money, try to find some other way to help: food, shelter, transportation etc.. She had expressed she needed feminine products so I found some in my car. I went to meet up with her and my friends at the restaurant but she had left and got aggitated since no one would give her money.
I was hurting for her. I wanted to help her.
She came back and was still a lil aggitated. I asked her about her story. She didn’t want to chat, she wanted money.She said she didnt want to ever go to church because no one helps her. I finally got her to say yes to us buying her some dinner. So we ordered her a cheeseburger. She said to bring it to her on the street because she was going to go find people who would give her money. Her food came and I went to find her. No sign of her outside. I keep my eye on the street outside but she wasnt anywhere.
I am frustrated. God, I want to help especially people in need. Some of my friends say they have met her before many times telling the same story and asking for money. I get that, she probably has a drug problem and is probably begging for a living BUT wouldn’t Jesus help her. Ive been told by many people tough love is the way to go in these situations. That people need to hit rock bottom and then they usually will turn to Jesus and realize that they have to try and help themselves. Its so hard to reconcile the Gospel and the notion of tough love. I guess Jesus would have probably fed the woman spiritually and physically.
I get so frustrated when I truly want to be the hands and feet of God but I dont know how. How do you help people who don’t truly want to be helped? How do you feed the poor when they walk away from you? How do you show love to someone who is yelling at you that you don’t care?
When I think about the next year my heart breaks and tears come to my eyes. Lord, how am I going to live day in and day out seeing the sick, poor, needy, and brokenhearted and know sometimes I won’t be able to do anything about it. I’m scared everyday is going to be so painful and emotional.
Is that how everyday of our life should be? painful, uncomfortable, emotional? I hope not.
I hope for more joyous times like I had this morning where I could see your will in placing me in the right seat in that pew. For placing those tissues in my pocket to hand to a young woman who was crying because her mother who died two months ago loved to sing that song in the choir.
God, I fervently pray that you use me in more moments like that so I can see your presence, feel your presence, and grow more accustom to it.
Please be near and close to all those tonight who find themselves alone, on the streets, confused and hungry like the woman I met tonight. I really wish I could have given her that cheeseburger or anyone for that matter. Of course as I drove home the streets were empty. I pray that the homeless population of Charlotte rests safely tonight. God bless all of them.
Blessings,
Jennie
