One night at Training Camp we were all practicing Listening Prayer, where you sit and ask God to speak to you and listen. I closed my eyes and just sat and prayed to be open to whatever God had to say. Then in the darkness of my closed lids I saw ” John 17:23″ appear like a magic ball answer. I quickly opened my eyes and grabbed my iphone for my bible app. Here is what that scripture said:
“I in them, and you in me, in order that they may be completed in one, so that the world may know that you sent me, and you have loved them just as you have loved me.”
This is Jesus’ prayer for believers, for us, for World Racers.
This was one of many revelations I had at Training Camp.
Let me begin with honesty. I cried the entire way to Training Camp. 5 hours my stomach ached and tears fell. I called my best friend Dargan and asked her for a pep talk because I couldn’t shake the fear and anxiety. The fear that I was going to witness some crazy stuff; that I might not be the same person afterwards; that my squad might be weird; that people at home might forget all about me on my trip; and the list goes on. Dargan pointed out to me that she expected all these things to happen and that they would all be good. She was right. All these things did happen and it is still ok.
I did witness some crazy stuff like healing and prophecy. I also learned that the Holy Spirit moves in each of us in different ways. For some it might be a mighty wind or just a whisper. You have to be open to let God work in you and not everyone is going to heal the sick, prophecy, or speak in tongues. I realized on the first day I put God in a box, in an explainable box. That was a powerful and heartbreaking confession for me. I’ve told myself for so long I trusted God but I only trusted him in the realm of the known. The realm of the unknown scares me to death.
I am not the person I was before training camp. God shattered that view of my self and my expectations of what my role in my World Race family will be. On one of the first days we had a session about grieving and then forgiveness. The basis was that we needed to dig deep to bring to the surface things that we had not grieved or people we had not forgiven. I learned that it is key to grieve and forgive or receive forgiveness to truly grow in your relationship with God. I thought I had cried a lot of tears on the way to Training Camp but boy was I wrong. I think I was the first person in our squad to crack and just flat out sob. I havent ever cried like that in front of people, nonetheless strangers. But the beauty that came from those tears was worth it. Not only did I feel phenomenally better, but I opened the floodgates for others on my squad to be able to open up and talk and cry as well.
On to my squad….we are a band of misfits and broken people but I have never seen or felt so much love radiating from each of them. We are from all walks of life, ethnicity, size, age but we all have one thing in common: love for Jesus! From day one we have prayed together, helped one another, and have been incredibly vulnerable. God is the only reason any of that could happen. On the second night during a simulation drill all my possessions were taken as if the airlines lost my bags. Within minutes I had a tent to sleep in, a sleeping pad, extra clothes, and a blanket. We ended up having 3 people sleep in one 2 person tent and, you know what, that was the best night sleep I had the whole week. I felt at ease and truly comforted by my new family. That was just day two!
Through the week my squad loved on me more than I ever could have imagined or even known I needed. I came into Training Camp thinking that I was going to be the motherly figure and take care of people as I always do. God had a different plan. As each day unfolded and new feelings and revelations were revealed I began to see that I desperately needed exactly what I had been giving away. I needed someone to pray for me, to pick me up and dry my tears, to take care of me. I hate asking for help. I hate imposing on people to help. During a session they asked if anyone needed prayers to stand up and those around you would pray for you. A dozen of my squadmates put their hands on me and prayed. I sobbed (whats new) and I kept apologizing and I told them I really hated having to need someone or to ask for help. Someone said (I think it was Sarah W) “When you dont let us help you, you rob us helping just like you like to.” I had never thought of that before. I’m robbing people of being the hands and feet of Christ to me.
God showed me alot of things about myself that I need to let go of and trust in him. He showed me how loved and cherished I am for just being me through the hugs and smiles of my World Race family. God also calmed those fears and tears that had come relentlessly the first 4 days of Training Camp. I daily have to ask for help with those fears and through that I am realizing that this relationship with God is a daily thing. I had been coming to God ever so often when I needed him but not daily. I have a renewed spirit to know him and to seek him.
My last fear of being forgotten still lingers as I have returned home from Training Camp and have been home a week now. I have gone back to my old life. Some people have asked about TC and others who I thought would ask or want to know about my experience have shown very little interest. It hurts when friends don’t seem to want to know about what you’ve learned or how hard it was or how loved you are by God and a new family. I guess that could be hard to hear but what is going to happen when I’m far away writing these blogs about the crazy amazing things I see God doing? Or the horribly broken things I witness? Will my friends want to listen then? Or even ask questions?
I’m daily trying to remind myself that I am called by God to share my story and to go love his people. I’m learning that all my fears are valid because they are happening but its ok because I have him to help me and comfort me through the next 11 months and the rest of my life. Oh yea and he also gave me this amazing family to remind me of his goodness every step of the way!
