Over the Labor Day weekend I went home and moved most of my possessions to my parents' house in South Carolina. I had made a deal with my mom that I would come home and purge boxes of things in her attic currently to make room for my possessions from Charlotte. Little did I know how much I would find and eventually throw away. I think I went through 4 boxes of T-shirts, 4 boxes of high school/college notes and papers, 3 boxes of childhood memorabilia, and 1 or 2 random boxes. I kept maybe 3 or 4 boxes out of those. I got to reminisce a lot while sorting maybe too much. I read parts of English papers, school notes, and many journals. I kept a lot of journals in high school, more than I realized.
By Sunday I was exhausted and somewhat depressed for two reasons. First, I have so much stuff, more than anyone could ever need. I realized I hold on to things for the what ifs and maybes and the memories I have with those items. Why cant I just take a picture of it and move on. Second, I read many journals and they all said pretty much the same thing.. " maybe if I lose weight ……someone will like me….more people will like me…..my sister will let me hang out with her…. I wont feel so alone." I read some journal entries like these on a floppy disk I had saved and I destroyed it. I didn't ever want to hear any of those words again. Throughout my whole life and sometimes today my life sometimes feels contingent on weight or my self confidence effected by weight. I told my mom " I'm really surprised I didn't hurt myself in high school because after I read those journals I felt super depressed."
I talked to my best friend from high school today and I told her about these journals and she seemed puzzled. She said she never knew I even kept a journal and that I always seemed so happy in high school. That was a revelation to how good of a liar I had been throughout high school and college. I think I was happy when I felt needed. I was always the mother hen in college and high school so I was "needed" a lot. In recent years and many sessions with a great counselor I have begun to really recognize my worth and have made it a goal to do things for me. Sure I fall back into my old habits of trying to impress people or doing things because I think people need me but I have been learning so much about myself I never knew.
I have found such peace in the knowledge that God made me just as I am. Sure I have flaws but those come from my own human nature. I love the passage from Psalms 139
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts, God!
I have no one to impress but God himself and I am daily trying to figure out what that looks like to please him. To truly be a disciple of Christ.
Anyways, I am so glad that I am going on the World Race because I know it is going to teach me even more about living simply and how little we truly need to live comfortably. I am currently living in a garage guest room of a dear friend and I cant be happier to have the excuse to live with much less. I think it is great for me to get ready for the race. I am sooo very grateful for the Paschalls' generosity.
BIG THANK YOU to all who have donated and continue to donate! I have reached my first financial goal so I can go to training camp in October where I will meet my squad and family on the World Race!!
A-SQUAD Whoop Whoop!!
I still have around $3000 to raise to meet my December deadline so that I can leave in January!!
Blessings,
Jennie
