Yeah, ok fine, I admit it…I was angry with God leaving this month in Thailand.
I didn’t realize it until we got to debrief at the beach in Thailand and we were worshipping with my amazing squad that I couldn’t sing. I didn’t want to worship Him. All I could do was cry because their faces were all I could see. The faces of the beautiful women and man that had been tattooed on my heart this month in the bars.
I couldn’t sing Freedom Reigns in the place because all I wanted was to be in Luke’s* bar singing the song with my friends but I couldn’t because freedom doesn’t reign in that place. Freedom is far from that place because they are still entangled by the grip of the enemy. My heart longed for them to be singing it. Even though my heart and fate is sealed with my loving Father in Heaven, the other part of me grieved for my friends whose fates aren’t sealed….yet.
I was frustrated that God hadn’t saved them. Yes, I realize we were there less than 3 weeks but I was praying for a miracle. I doubted God’s sovereignty with all of the crap that I saw. Has He really overcome the world while women prostitute themselves, and while desperate men sleep with these women?
“When darkness closes in, still I will say, blessed be your name…My heart will choose to say Lord, blessed be Your name.”
I came to realize that I had to choose to believe. God told me it was ok that I was upset because He had let me see these people through His eyes for a reason. He told me to embrace my broken heart and that it was good that I often found myself sobbing on their behalf. But He didn’t want me to be hopeless because He isn’t a hopeless God, He’s the antithesis of hopeless.
I saw God’s sovereignty more than the devil wanted me to see.
I saw His sovereignty in my friendships with the women. They loved when I would show up most nights and we had beautiful conversations.
I saw God’s sovereignty that He protected us and gave me the resilience to continue going to a place I wasn’t wanted.
I saw God’s sovereignty in giving me a passion of prayer for these people.
I saw God’s sovereignty by the amount of friends and strangers from home that were willing to pray on behalf of my friends and expecting God to do something amazing. Thank you to all you incredible people who prayed faithfully this month. Your prayers made a difference.
I'm thankful for the little tiff my Love and I had. It brought our love to a deeper place, a place where I don't just accept everything but I struggle through it and He struggles with me. Just like any relationship, once I was able to express my frustrations He was able to speak truth into it.
God began the month by romancing me. Reminding me of where I came from and where He brought me. He ended the month by romancing me. He shouted across eternity that He’s my God and that I matter to Him.
And in a Thai sunrise He showed me that He makes a pathway for me out of nothing. A path of the reflected sunrise came right to my feet. I wanted to hop off the dock and run to the end of the path, fall on my knees soaking up the glory of God with arms outstretched.
Psalm 23:3
He restores my soul
He leads me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.
I'd like to think God created me just for Thailand, this place brings me joy…I guess we'll see if that was just for a season or longer.
Cheers to Thai sunrises, God's sovereignty, Chiang Mai, and all my friends in the bars,
Jen
