I don’t consider myself type A at all, but I do enjoy a good list now and then. I’m here to confess that the lists have gotten the best of me this week.
I have been leaning on my organizational skills, available time, and productivity to make this pre-race period worthwhile. I made multiple lists to make sure I was as ready as possible to leave on June 27th. But every day, I worked my hardest, stayed up late, and still the day ended with more added to my list than crossed off. What kind of productivity is that?? The frustrating kind, lemme tell ya.
I have said repeatedly to myself and others that nothing about this mission (or life, really) matters without Jesus in the middle of it. Why shouldn’t that apply to this transitional period of preparation? It should, and it does. God didn’t call me to this journey and then ask me to leave him alone while I get ready.
Now there are some very checklist-y items I have done that really did need to be done and checked off. I got extra passport photos, ordered anti-malarial drugs, cleaned out my room to stock my garage sale fundraiser. . .But at the end of the day, I kept not being satisfied because my list wasn’t done. And I woke up anxious, planning every goal I should accomplish that day.
So today I had a moment. Jesus, in his continual kindness and grace, let me come before the cross broken and honest in how overwhelmed I’ve felt. And I was reminded that today matters because it is a gift from the Lord. Today is a worthwhile day because today, the Lord chooses me as a daughter, renews his mercies, and invites me into his kingdom work. My narrow focus and stubbornness to finish tasks faced me with a definite “Unless the Lord builds the house, its builders labor in vain” situation (Psalm 127). I was laboring before seeking God, and my labor was in vain. So today, and for the last (hold your breath) 10 DAYS of preparation, I’m going to put one bolded item at the front of every bullet point on my checklist; the only thing that has gotten this journey anywhere:
Look to the Lord and his strength, seek his face always.
He crafted me and prepared good works for me to do (ephesians 2) He has begun a good work in me which He carry out to completion (philippians 1) He commands me not to be anxious (philippians 4) He goes behind me and before me (psalm 139)
This God is a trustworthy one, and I bet he never even used a to-do list.
When I stop running around for a second to thank God for how faithful he is, and how much he has provided this month, this is what I remember. . .
- His body banded together to raise over $8,000 for this mission.
- People have come out of the woodwork, responding to God’s call to give of their time, resources, and talents. It blows my mind.
- My church family has sent so many encouraging words to me, and my team continues to pray for each other.
- Prayer warriors I barely know (and some I know well) have committed to interceding for me for 11 whole months.
- My parents have lovingly and willingly sacrificed their schedules and their sleep to make sure I am ready.
- The Lord has seen my rapid heartbeat and racing mind, and reminded me that He is a good, good Father who loves me. And that little else matters in comparison.
Zero of those holy, precious items were on my checklist. Yet those are the reasons I am prepared and the reasons I will be sustained this year. I probably won’t have everything I think I need in my pack and I will definitely leave unfinished lists behind, but I will be no less prepared or loved because of that. Choosing stress and worry did not make me a better servant. Choosing Gods joy amidst a difficult, stressful time brings me closer to the Lord whose power is made perfect in my weakness. Thank you God, for beginning to teach me this now.
This is a taste of the raw, real, and not glamorous side of the journey I’m taking. A sneak-peak into the many times I will fall short of my call. But friends, do not doubt that excitement is present. And I can’t wait to tell you about it in my last pre-race blog. Stay tuned. 
“Yes, my soul, find rest in God. My hope comes from Him.”
