I hope everyone had a great Christmas and New Years. It was a fun holiday season and I’m ready to get back to school. Crazy to think that I have one more semester until graduation and then the race. Right now I’m just so thankful for my church and community that have been supporting me so much. I especially love working with the kids, because they always teach me things and give me new ideas about Christ and the Gospel.
Last month I was teaching our version of “Sunday School” and one of the kids raised their hands and said, “I just want to know if I’m good enough for God or too bad for God.” We immediately launched into a discussion of how God views us. That we can never be good enough for God, but that his grace is sufficient enough for this. God loves us no matter what, and there is no way that we can earn his favor by trying harder or changing things about ourselves.
Of course we had to explain to the kids that this doesn’t mean we should completely ignore the sinful areas of our lives and not work to be like Jesus, but rather that God loves us the same either way. These are the things we do because we love the Lord, but we are never too “bad” to receive his grace.
This conversation got me thinking about a particular area of my life that has been developing and changing. Prayer is something that has been familiar to me since I was very young, but in my home, no body every really prayed out loud. Every so often a traditional Catholic prayer would be recited before a meal, but to be honest I didn’t hear a lot of prayer “out-loud” growing up and didn’t realize how important it was to me… until I came into my faith about seven years ago.
I have struggled with praying out loud (in front of others) since I became a Christian. I never felt “good enough” or experienced enough to pray out loud. I always felt like I was pressured to “perform” a prayer, rather than speak to the Lord in fellowship with my brothers and sisters. Even up until very recently I have struggled with this. When I was accepted into the World Race all I could think of was, “How am I ever going to share the Gospel with others when I can’t even pray with them?”
We all know that God’s timing is perfect. Well I prayed and prayed that the Lord would help me overcome my fear of praying out loud, but nothing happened. I was still terrified. I couldn’t even pray with my closest friends, or in front of kids. I was really frustrated with myself and with God for not answering my prayers. In the same way my acceptance into the race terrified me, it was also a real turning point for me. I think I had to be confident that the Lord loved me anyways, and realize that I shouldn’t be praying with others because it was the right thing to do or because it would make God happy, but rather because I actually believed that my prayers could make a difference. I think it is really amazing when you realize what the Holy Spirit enables you to do. My acceptance into the World Race helped me to see this.
I really began witnessing what prayer could do through different opportunities and I began wanting to pray with others. I started out one on one and am now feeling more confident praying in groups. My World Race squad even has prayer partners! We all decided that it would be a really great way to get to know each other and I felt really compelled to join in. And I’m so glad I did! Honestly I was terrified to have a prayer partner, but she’s the greatest one I could have asked for. I don’t think she knows how difficult it was for me initially to take that step, but praying with her is always a very comfortable situation for me.
This feeling of comfort when praying out loud is still very new to me, but I know it is the Lord helping me and answering my prayer. I now know that he answered that prayer in his time, and it has strengthened my trust in his promise to always be faithful even when I am in the dark. This was a really great way for me to learn to trust in the Lord and not myself to overcome these obstacles. God loved me the entire way through it, even when I was so upset with myself and him.
I think as a Christian, I am always putting so much pressure on myself to see growth and see change, that I forget to trust my spiritual journey to the Lord. I forget to stop and say, “Wow… Look at what you’ve done, God!” and just be proud of the fact that God is pleased with me exactly where I am every day. That doesn’t mean that I stop focusing on the choices I need to make to follow Jesus, but that I rely on the Lord to enable me to make these choices, and trust him when the going gets rough.
This makes me think of a parent and a young child. As kids, we draw pictures of stick figures, often with giant heads and giant eyes. When we give these to our parents, they don’t say, “Wow what a horrible drawing.” Instead, they are pleased with the progress we have made thus far and look forward to the skills we will develop in the future. Looking back on this, it’s hard to believe that all of the skills I now possess started at the same level as a child learning to draw, but they did. My faith is the same way. Trusting that God loves us through the entire process and will be faithful in his promise to uphold us through our mistakes and listen to our prayers is the most encouraging truth that I can think to help me through my walk. I’m so grateful to the Lord for His perfect timing and know that even though praying out loud can still be scary sometimes, God is working. And where God is working, there can only be one outcome.
“If we have died with him, we will also live with him; if we endure, we will also reign with him; if we deny him, he also will deny us; if we are faithless, he remains faithful- for he cannot deny himself.”
-2 Timothy 2:11-13
I want to thank everyone for all of the support that you have given me. I’m so grateful for all of you, and could not be answering this call without your support! You being involved in my journey is so encouraging!
In Christ,
Jenna Sisson
